


the flowers always grow back

by softlyspoken



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Angst, Gen, M/M, Prison Memories, Reunion 3.0, Seb’s pov, Slow Build, eventual reunions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2021-01-29 11:49:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 21,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21409702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softlyspoken/pseuds/softlyspoken
Summary: it’s his sixteenth birthday and his long last dad steps back into his life or the robron reunion 3.0 from seb’s point of view
Relationships: Aaron Dingle/Robert Sugden
Comments: 118
Kudos: 344





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this was a fic that was meant to be only like 5k words but it ballooned because i had ideas and scenarios and so on. so this first chapter is more of a prologue, an introduction to the next and last chapter which is the main bulk of the story 
> 
> there’s been so many incredible reunion fics already up on here but i wanted to try from seb’s pov so obviously if you aren’t keen then don’t continue from here. but if you are ... enjoy this first bit!

  
His dad’s always been a shit cook. It’s just one of the things that makes him who he is. He’s got used to eating stuff that tastes a little burnt and counting the days down to Sunday.

Sunday’s are video games and fry ups and roast dinner in front of the telly. It’s what makes Sunday’s OK. It’s also what makes him groan when he’s kicked in the leg and told to get up to bed.

“I mean it Seb.” His dad’s eyes are the colour of the ocean, it’s what he used to say when he was little, and he’s never lived it down. He also used to tug at his beard and pull faces back at him whenever he could.

Nan says his dad’s lucky he’s not made his son’s eyes permanently crossed over.

—

He’s not an idiot although everyone likes to think he is.

His dad’s not sleeping and Liv’s calling all the time and his nan shrieks whenever she has a minute alone with her son.

Even Eve looks at him like she’s got a secret she can’t tell.

And he’s had enough of it.

—

He remembers when he was really tiny sometimes. There’s this memory of his auntie Vic crying over him and saying something about having to be happy.

He remembers toddling into school with a sunshine plastered smile on his face and this _thing_ deep down inside of him saying: _Be happy_.

Later, ten and gangly and freckles on his face, Vic sat him down and said something.

She said his dad had made him promise to be happy when he was still sucking a dummy and holding a hammer in his hand like he was Bob The Builder.

“Why’d he do that for?”

Vic was all puffy around her eyes and he wanted her to stop crying as much as she was. “Because ... he _loves_ you.”

And apparently that was enough at ten. That was his lot.

—

There’s things he can say and things he can’t, living with his dad in this house a certain someone built for them reminds him of that all the time.

It’s the R word. Vic likes to speak about him. Dad doesn’t. Not anymore.

—

At fourteen he grazed his knee whilst cycling down a hill and his dad lost it. He was crying like he always does when something goes wrong, and he cupped Seb’s face as he sat on the hospital bed.

“You were out cold.” His dad has always looked at him like he’s the most precious thing he’s got. It makes Seb feel like he’s loved. It also makes him feel this heavy weight of something in his chest.

“Just for a second.”

“A second, ten minutes. No difference right?” Aaron’s voice was filled with something like authority, it was weird and alien and Seb focused on the greying around his temples and the lines in his forehead.

He wondered how many he can count as his fault. He wonders how many he can count as R’s responsibility.

“Does he like riding bikes?” Because he definitely knew he’s shit, he thought that riding down a hill would be something he’s good at for some reason.

Aaron’s face was a picture, all wide eyed as he sighed, after a second, he said, “Not this again.”

The month before it was rollerblading. The month before that it was chess championships.

“What?” Seb said. Aaron looked at him and then has to look away. Seb wondered how much he looked like R. “I just want to know. I can’t even say his ...”

“Seb.” Aaron said, and sometimes all Seb could see is this sadness in his eyes. It was there over and over again.

“I’m not a kid.” But Aaron scoffed like he’s nothing but a stupid one. “I deserve to know why ...”

“Robert didn’t want to see us.” Aaron’s voice was cold, his dad just sat there with tears heavy in his eyes and his face red.

Seb’s hasn’t known rejection the way most kids have. Isaac’s mum and dad hate each other than love each other and hate each other again and he’s always passing between them. Bobby’s not got a dad, he pretends he doesn’t care but he does. His best mate, Jamie, says his mum would rather he went off to uni now.

He’s not had that. He’s had loss, a mum who’s getting better again at being herself and dead grandparents. He’s had this Robert, this dad, away since he was little.

But the thing is, he’s never felt abandoned before right that minute.

His chin, it’s his stupid chin that started wobbling and the next thing he knew his dad was pulling him into this fierce hug and he was crying.

They both cried. His fourteen, he’s a big boy now as everyone keeps saying and usually it made him cringe but now it made him angry.

He was fuming with himself for crying over someone who he doesn’t even know.

Later, there’s a plaster on his knee and he’s free to go home. His dad makes him a hot chocolate, marshmallows sky high and squirty cream on top.

His dad looks like he wants the world to swallow him up when Seb looks at him.

“Your ... Robert, he used to make hot chocolate just like this.” Seb wriggled an eyebrow. “Mine probably doesn’t match up.”

“Yours are always good.”

His dad is sad, he knows it. He knows it like the way he knows Eve is probably trying to block out Paddy’s muttering over America’s Next Top Model.

“I’m sorry for pushing.” Seb said. About ... him.”

“You can say his name.” Aaron waved a hand out. “You can ... ask but I don’t have all the answers.”

Seb bit his lip, dragged skin back and forth and hesitated on what he wants to say. “Why doesn’t he want to see us?”

His dad didn’t say anything for about a minute, and he tried to say it doesn’t matter, shove it all back inside but he couldn’t. “It’s ... his way of coping.” His dad’s voice was like gravel, stretched like it’s been pulled over a road.

“It’s shit.” Seb blurted out and then he cowered. “Sorry I ...”

His dad laughed and then he was back to crying again, running hands over his thighs and pretending like he wasn’t.

“I’m sorry.” His dad used to say that all the time, he’d cry and he’s big arms would hold Seb close. They’d fall asleep in this massive bed. His dad’s giant bed.

Seb used to think he was silly for having such a big one. He used to like his toys along the length of it and giggle as Aaron watched from the door. Once he spilt juice on the pillow his dad never used and heard him cry a little near the washing machine.

Now, his dad looked like he had got this weight built up on his shoulders and he shakes his head. “I’m sorry for ... I’m just sorry.”

“Why?” Seb frowned. “Not your fault he’s gone is it?”

Aaron wiped his face, cleared his throat and ruffles a hand through Seb’s hair. He looked strong suddenly and Seb went back to thinking he’s like an elastic band. He snaps and springs right back like nothing had happened at all. “No. But ...”

“I’ve not missed out.” Seb’s sure of that. He knows what Robert looks like because he’s everywhere at Vic’s and hidden around here too. He knows he’s tall and that’s why he’s freckled but that’s about it.

He has memories of his dad telling him loads but he’s blocked it out somehow, he’s stuffed it somewhere and pretended he hasn’t heard. 

“I have a dad.”

His dad’s chin wobbled, and he stuck his hand out for Seb to hold. He did, squeezed tight.

“That’s you by the way.” Seb tilted his head. “Didn’t mean that waste of space mum was with.”

“Ross Barton?” His dad laughed, really laughed when Seb pulled a face and then he leaned in and hugged him. “I love you. I love you so much.”

“Love you too dad.”

He loves him more than he can love someone who isn’t around.

—

When he’s fifteen, he wishes for a card and doesn’t get one. It makes him hate Robert, want to thrash and kick out and lose it over someone he can’t help but want to know.

His dad, his gentle sad dad finds him in a barn and tells him there’s cake at home.

“And your mum’s bought you some fancy ...”

“He didn’t send one.” He looked up at his dad and frowned. “Vic said he might send one.”

Aaron looked like there’s steam coming out of his ears. “When?”

“To nan.” Seb squirmed. “But I thought ... I’m old enough now.”

He’s old enough to know what he did, old enough to try and get his head around things and really hate Bobby’s dad. He shoved Bobby when he found out, called him something nasty and punched a wall.

Then he was back to his normal soppy self, crying, saying he’s sorry and making his dad cry too.

“He shouldn’t be in there.” Seb slammed his foot into the hay and twisted it angrily. “Not when he was protecting Vic.”

His dad nodded and Seb wondered how many times he’s thought that himself. He wondered if he thinks it all the time, if the idea is just trapped in his head whenever he looks at him.

“I know.” Aaron cupped his face, moved closer. “You don’t think I know that mate? I do. And it’s ... it _hurts_.”

“Still?” Seb looked up at him, felt about five again when Aaron grazed a hand over his cheek.

Aaron’s eyes flickered like the question, the very thought of time making the thought disappear is alien, is unimaginable. “_Always_.”

Seb settled in that, realised that ever since his dad told him why Robert wasn’t around, he’s seen the man as some sort of hero. He didn’t want to hate him anymore. He wants to know him so so badly that it aches.

“Tell me about him.”

He does this when his dad has a soft voice on, when he’s relaxed, and his shoulders aren’t tense. His face usually has to have a gentleness about it, an ease or invitation to open up what Seb knows is probably the worst wound he has.

“He’s uh ... he’s ...” Seb wondered when his dad had to do this last. He remembered being young and Aaron finding comfort in telling Seb stories about Daddy Robert but that stopped as soon as he used to ask after him nonstop. “He’s _special_.”

“Like ... a bit odd?”

His dad pulled a face. “Nah.” He smiled “Like ... he’d do _anything_ for the people he loves.” He nods and then frowned. “Don’t listen to what people say about him round here.”

Seb knew what they say. “Brenda said he was selfish for leaving.”

“Brenda’s an old bat.”

Seb smirked. “What else?”

Aaron’s mouth fell open, Seb watches his dad think. “Likes reading. Just like you.”

“Yeah?”

His dad nodded. “Used to read all the time, his mum used to read to him.” Aaron clasped his hands together. “Used to come here n’all. Get away from everyone.”

He does that too; he sits and draws, and Liv told him he was a right weirdo once but maybe Robert is too. It makes him feel better.

“What’s his favourite...”

His dad pulled back a little and then he climbed down from the bundle of hay and reaching a hand out for Seb to hold. “Right, it’s time to go now.”

“I ain’t five.” Seb scowled suddenly and Aaron closed his eyes like he couldn’t open them. “I just want ...”

“You want to _know_ things about him? You want me to _tell_ you things yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Well I don’t know him anymore Seb!” His dad’s voice was loud and sad and angry, and he didn’t know what to do other than push past him before he started crying.

He dad didn’t know him, and that meant no one does, and _that_ meant he won’t ever really know him either.

—

He remembers his dad lying next to him in bed. He was five or six and he was keeping him up. Must have been. 

His dad leaned over, brushed a hand over his hair and smiled. “Just like him.”

”Just like who?”

His dad spread his hands over his freckles, stroked carefully. 

“Your other daddy. Look like him so much it’s scary.”

”Scary?” Seb had said, confused. 

His dad had kissed his head and smiled.

“It’s like he’s still here.” His dad had said later, another year or something flown by. “Whenever I’m with Seb ... it makes it better.” Vic had cried and Seb felt so important suddenly. 

—

His dad’s got his eyes stuck on a letter when he gets home from school. He’s had football practice and spent most of it on the bench drawing because he couldn’t be arsed to do anything else.

He asks his dad what’s for tea and doesn’t get a reply. “Dad?” He says, again, and Aaron jumps up, crumples the letter in his hands and says something about pizza.

“What kind?”

His dad scoffs, shakes himself like he’s got to. “Uh pepperoni of course.” He shrugs, walks over and Seb struggles as he holds him in a headlock.

He tries looking at the letter, only makes out a Dear Mr Dingle before his dad is letting go and telling him to go get a shower.

—

When he knew why Robert was gone, after taking it all in and crying and being sad for days, he turned to his dad and asked a question.

He said, “Don't you hate having to look after me? Don’t you just see him?” Because he’d remembered conversations and they stuck like chewing gum to the back of his good, now ruined, trainers. 

Aaron looked like he’d been blown away by the wind as he pulled this face. “_No_.” He said. “You’re mine.” 

Later, he explained a bit better. He said that he didn’t look at him and see Robert and get upset. He said it’s always helped. He spoke like he’d expected to have this conversation at some point. 

”Do I look like him?” Seb asked, stupid and curious and making his dad’s eyes wet again. 

His dad nodded, “Yeah. You do.” Seb didn’t know what to say back. “He’d be so proud of you.”

Seb frowned. “Why?” 

Aaron shrugged. “For just being you.” 

—

He hears his dad talking to Vic. She’s looking tired and worn and has her arms folded as they speak. He’s meant to be in the loo, but they don’t see him come out.

So he hears.

“No one told me anything.” His dad hisses. “I got a letter, a poxy _letter_ from his solicitor ‘cause he thought I’d want to know.”

Vic’s eyes are beady, she doesn’t look like the soppy aunt he has who can’t help but still squeeze his cheeks and call him trouble. She smirks like she knows something his dad doesn’t. “Is this where you tell me you don’t want to?”

Aaron’s silent and Seb wills him to say something, shed a little light on things. Eventually he leans back, says, “I don’t.”

“Stop lying.”

Seb leans back so he can’t see them anymore and then he hears the sound of his dad scratching his beard. “This ain’t just about me and you. Seb’s ...”

“He’d be careful.” Vic says. “He wouldn’t push him.”

“No, he’d just walk back in like nothing happened. Or he’d stay away and leave me to ...” Seb’s sure Aaron’s crying. “Or he’ll want me to tell him it’s OK, that he can. Leave me with all the hard decisions.”

Vic sighs. “I’ve learnt a lot from not seeing him. I’ve learnt that he’d do anything to see us happy.”

It makes his dad scoff.

“Like divorcing me?”

“Like setting your free.” Vic speaks like she’s reading from a Clinton’s card. He pulls a face until she mentions his name, says, “Letting you love Seb for the both of ya.”

It all sounds dead romantic for a second, and then he thinks of the word divorce again. He thinks back to when he first heard the word come out of Isaac’s mouth.

Apparently uncle Cain and Moira had one and then it didn’t matter because then they had him.

“They don’t _matter_.” Isaac has said, he’s a non-believer in most things. He says marriage is for idiots and he has no idea why anyone would have kids. “It’s just a piece of paper, it don’t mean _nothing_.”

Seb didn’t agree, and then he asked his dad what he thought.

“Divorce?” His dad frowned. “Why do you know about that. You’re ten.”

“Isaac said it means nothing.”

Aaron pulled a face. “Isaac’s ten n’all.”

“You’re not.” Seb looked up with wide green eyes. “So does it mean nothing?”

His dad never gave him an answer.

—

When he was fourteen, Seb realised divorce couldn’t mean anything.

Liv was babysitting him like it was necessary and he was halfway through his homework when he his dad came down the stairs with a new shirt on.

It was navy and tighter than anything he’d seen before. He smelt like Oliver in the year above just before he’d go and speak to Daisy. He looked up, pulled a face and Aaron almost didn’t look at him, pretended like he wasn’t there.

“Where you going?”

Aaron looked at himself in the mirror and then at Seb. “Remember Tyler?” He doesn’t but Tyler sounds like a fourteen-year-old boy’s name and he’s started to wonder if he’s in his Maths class.

“No.” Seb frowned. “Why?”

And the why came when his dad opened his mouth and said what he said, said, “He’s a friend.” He wasn’t. He couldn’t have been because so‘s Ellis and he didn’t stink like that for him. “We’re just going out for some drinks.”

Seb felt a lump in his throat. “OK.” He shrugged, made it easy when he felt Liv’s eyes on him. He felt her relax as he moved away, as if his say so was all that was needed.

His dad came in at half ten and Liv laughed and then said something that obviously made her sad because her voice trailed off into something and she left.

The next day he told Isaac, because for some reason he always had to. They were chucking a football around and he said his dad had been out with someone.

“A bloke?”

“So?” Seb said fiercely and then Isaac stopped kicking the ball. “He’s alone.”

“What about your dad?” He meant Robert and Seb looked away. “Cain said he still loves him.”

Seb felt something crawl through him. “Who still loves ...”

“Your dad. Robert. Both of them. Still love each other.” Isaac shrugged. “Dad said people like them would always love each other. Crazy people.”

“Crazy people?” Seb frowned. “Who you calling –”

“Calm down.” Isaac laughed. “Charity said the same.” Seb wasn’t sure how much he should listen to what she says.

Then he tilted his head up, almost shrugged. “They’re divorced.” He kicked the grass. “So, my dad can’t still ...”

Isaac frowned. “I’ve told you before haven’t I? That don’t mean nothing. My dad’s not wrong about that stuff.”

Seb knew Cain was dodgy and messed up and old but he wasn’t wrong, his dad always said that. So he believed him.

Believing him lead to Tyler’s number getting lost in Aaron’s phone. It also led to Aaron’s tyre being flat one Friday night.

Then there was Nathaniel, big smile and a little wave to Seb like he was five. Seb crossed his arms and said _no_ in his head about ten times before messing that up too.

Aaron had to do all the apologies. He had to tell them that he’s got the shittiest luck and that they can go out again soon. Seb would hang by the door and listen with a smirk on his face.

He’d creep into his dad’s room and look at the drawer where two rings sit in a box. He’d understand that deep down his dad was still in love with Robert.

He must be.

Once, Ted, this caterer Kerry knew tried to ask him out on a date and Seb complained of a bellyache almost on the spot. His dad jumped into action like he was seven and needed to be tucked in and Seb was grateful.

He woke up a few hours later to Liv sitting on his bed with this look on her face.

“Where’s ...”

“Gone to get you some ice cream from David’s.” Liv crossed her arms. “Then he’s going out with that ...” Seb’s eyes widened. “I knew it.”

“Knew what?” Seb frowned.

Liv curled a hand in her hair and then sighed. “Your dad ... he’s allowed to go out and have fun.” She didn’t even look convinced herself.

“Never said he couldn’t. But what’s the point?”

Liv frowned. “What’s the point in ...”

“He still loves Robert.” Seb knew it as a fact, Liv’s face fell so she must have known too. “He can’t move on. He can’t.”

Liv’s chin wobbled, Seb was his dad in her all suddenly. “Seb. You can’t ...”

“Yeah they’re divorced, yeah he probably hates him, but it don’t matter ‘cause he loves him.”

Liv didn’t say anything for what felt like a long time and then she did. “You know you used to sabotage him moving on when you were little. You’d scream the house down whenever he tried to leave, ruin his shirts with your dinner all down them.” She smiled. “I used to think it was Robert in ya, all his mischief, scheming.”

He thought of himself suddenly, how he’d compare to Robert. If he’d disappoint.

“Your dad and ... your dad, what they had was ... but it had to stop.” Liv said, her cheeks bright red. “They didn’t want it to, I promise.” He’d heard it over and over again and knew that it sets him and Isaac apart. Moira messed up, then Cain messed up, then Moira messed up. It was like a game of ping pong with them. “But your dad deserves someone.”

Seb felt tears swell in his eyes. He wanted to say the R word, wanted to try and tell her that his dad with anyone wouldn’t do. Not now he knows he’s still in love with Robert.

“Why settle for second best though hey.” Liv said as she got to the door, she hung back, she winked and Seb fought a smile as he leant against his pillow.

—

He’s sixteen tomorrow. He’s not all that fussed but his dad is throwing himself into it like he’s trying to avoid something.

It’s the letters and the whispers. Seb’s not an idiot although they all think he is. They think they can still speak in front of him like he’s too stupid to understand.

He’s got Eve next to him, squeezed on the sofa in the back of the pub. She’s got her head in a book and pushes her glasses up like a right geek. He’s sitting with her when she looks up at him.

“You’re sixteen tomorrow.”

“I’m aware.”

Eve has this spark about her that Seb’s always been jealous of. She’s got his nan’s incessant love. “Anything you’re wishing for?”

Aside from honesty from his dad and miracles from the world, nothing much. “Why?”

Eve shrugs slowly and dips her head back down. He chooses to ignore her in favour of listening in to his nan, she’s talking to his dad in the bar and they really must think he’s an idiot who doesn’t know how to listen in on conversations.

He does. He’s an expert.

“I haven’t heard anything. So I’m taking it nothin’s changed.” His dad sounds like someone’s stepped on him but he’s pretending he’s not been hurt. “Like always.”

Chas tuts, pours him a pint and he loses what she says whilst Marlon thumps about and gives him and Eve a plate of chips. He only hears something as Marlon leaves again.

“You could ring. You could find out.”

“I’m not family.”

“You were his husband.”

“Past tense.” Aaron’s voice is suddenly dark and Seb sits up straighter. “I’m not putting myself through it, the whole getting my hopes up thing. For what? There’s no point in it.”

“It’s not just you though is it?”

Seb doesn’t hear anything until there’s a scrape of a chair and his dad’s voice is lower than it was before. “Every single thing I do is for him. I don’t care about me. It’s him. That’s why I can’t do this.”

His dad joins them seconds later. He has a smile on his face that doesn’t meet his eyes.

—

“I don’t need a big party.” He’s saying what he wants, and his dad is smirking.

“Oh should I tell the whole family you’re too cool for one?” His dad looks OK, looks like his normal self as he beats him on a video game with ease Seb puts down to his general old-ness.

Seb sighs. “Just not the whole balloons and party poppers and that. Save them for Bobby.”

Aaron sits up and Seb watches him put his controller down. “Listen, about tomorrow ...” Seb feels something thump in his chest. “You know Dean? You remember him?”

He remembers him. Last year. Long stupid scarf and an even stupider haircut. He works in a bank and said that Seb could do his work experience in his department.

That was probably meant to make him like him. It was probably his golden ticket in to his dad’s pants. It didn’t work.

Seb begged his dad to come to his football game instead of going on some poxy date. Then when his dad tried arranging one again the next night he came home drunk and cried on Vic.

He said things and Seb heard.

“I’m never ... I can’t Vic.” His dad’s voice was everywhere as he hung by his bedroom door. He slurred his words and said _Robert_ like he couldn’t stop himself. “It’s him. There’s no space for anyone else.”

It sounded romantic until Seb realised it wasn’t. It was sad because Robert wasn’t around. He was rotting away on the Isle of White and all his attempts to go and see him, talk some sense into him had only resulted in his dad yanking him home and cancelling plane tickets.

“I think so.” Seb says now, and his dad scratches his eyebrow like he’s nervous.

“He might pop round, give you a pressie.”

“Why?” Seb looks at Aaron, then feels his hand in his hair.

“Because we’ve been ... sort of seeing each other.” Seb knows it means that he’s trying. He supposes it means they’ve probably had sex and it makes him feel sick. A part of him wants to stand and shout and hate his dad for forgetting that one person he’s always secretly gone on about. But then his dad is so nervous about this. “If you don’t want him to ... he’ll only come if you don’t mind. OK? If you do, if you _do_ then he won’t.”

Seb bites his lip the way Liv and his dad do. “Alright. It’s fine if he comes.”

Aaron’s shoulders relax, he picks up the coaster on the table and pats Seb’s nose like he used to do when he was little. “OK.” He says, nods like he’s determined it’s going to be.

“Is that what you were all strange about?” Seb asks boldly, thinks of Liv and nan too. “All secretive.” He thinks about how exactly he’s missed seeing Dean, silently berates his detective skills and blames football.

Aaron’s burrow deepens. “Yeah. Sort of.” He says, like he always does when he’s half telling the truth. He cups Seb’s face and holds. “Nothing for you to worry about though alright?”

Seb gulps hard, thinks of Dean and his dad and Robert. “Alright.”

It isn’t remotely alright.

—

His dad wakes him up with a nudge to his foot and stands above him with a card in between his teeth. He’s holding out a slice of birthday cake and smiling.

“Happy birthday mate.” Aarons eyes are filled with happiness and Seb sits up, groans out his annoyance at being woken up and then frowns.

“Is that cake?”

“It’s your _birthday_.” His dad sits on his bed and watches him sit up. “Only day you can have rubbish for breakfast.“

Seb smiles, takes the cards and opens them up to see a twenty-pound note slide out from Liv.

“She’s coming over later.” His dad says. “And everyone else.” Seb groans. “That’s me that, I hate fuss on birthdays too.” He smiles. “The difference is I’m old and you’re only sixteen.”And then he does that thing that Seb supposes all dads do. He frowns, eyes all wet suddenly, and he says, “_Sixteen_.”

“This where you say: where’s all the time gone?”

His dad pinches his side and Seb only just fights him off. Then he looks at him, bites his lip and lets out a small tear.

“You’ve been ... you don’t know much you’ve meant to me. Mean to me.” His dad looks like he’s going to start blubbering. He doesn’t. He leans back and kisses Seb’s head before he tells him to get ready for school.

He drops him off because it’s pouring down with rain and Seb waits for him by the car whilst he makes himself a coffee in a flask because he’s old like that. He watches Vic’s little cottage and wonders if she’s already taken Bobby to school.

He watches until she comes out, looks around with her arms crossed and her eyes wide and then she spots him. She looks frozen for a second before she’s waving and telling him she’ll say him later.

He nods back, slow and suspicious and then he’s watching a window of hers. He feels eyes on him, a curtain skitters, and he watches the lace of it almost fly. He stares up until his dad’s unlocking the car door and telling him to get in.

—

He’s got a dead arm by the time he’s home again. His mates are stupid and annoying, but they made him smile and Rosie got him a card and everything.

When he gets in, there’s balloons and cake and faces smiling at him. Cain’s with Isaac and Moira hangs back a little with a balloon in her hand. Nan and grandad Pads are there too, they’ve got this massive present out in front of him and he’s almost alarmed by the size.

“Happy birthday!” Liv appears out of nowhere and squeezes him before ruffling his hair and making it look like shit.

“Thanks.” Seb says. He feels suddenly full, like he’s stupidly grateful for what he has and then he sees his dad standing in the kitchen staring at a picture of them at some beach.

He’s got his front teeth missing and a stupid sun hat on. His dad’s pink from the sun and he’s got his tongue sticking out.

“You alright dad?”

“Me?” His dad turns, eyes watering a little. “Just can’t believe you’re so big. That’s all.”

Seb arches an eyebrow. “Sort of what happens.” His dad smiles and shakes his head. “Is that all?”

His dad goes to say something and then he doesn’t. He squeezes Seb’s arm and then says something about presents. So they do that instead, he mainly gets money and Sam and Lydia buy him these sets of pens that are cool.

Cain’s got him some race track tickets and Isaac’s face is a picture until he realises there‘s three. Seb supposes he can tag along with him and his dad.

He says thanks to everyone and his nan kisses his cheek before handing over her massive one. She’s got him a bike, says that if he practices enough he’ll be great. He thinks of Robert, if he’s great at riding bikes and then he tells himself to stop. He tells himself to think of himself and no one else today.

“I won’t do a speech ...” Seb’s nose crinkles when Liv tells him to. Instead his dad stands up, shocks everyone in the room.

“Well I’ll just say ... happy birthday.” He’s all red and smiling. “To my son. Seb. You’re ... such a good kid.” Seb watches his nan nod, Pads nod even more. “I don’t know where I’d be without ya.”

Seb feels his cheeks get all pink and he thinks about how dodgy everyone says his dad was as a kid. How he went back down that road when Robert left and before he was a more permanent someone in his life.

He thinks about if he saved his dad and the weight of the words make him feel dizzy. His dad comes closer and hugs him before he disappears into the kitchen again and Seb pretends like he doesn’t know what’s coming.

Seb waits and then starts thinking about where Vic could be. The thought drums through his head until he hears the door bell ringing and he watches Liv go and answer. Isaac’s glued to his phone and Eve’s exactly the same, she’s vlogging and nan looks like it’s stressing her out and he watches everything until he hears what he hears.

He hears the sound of everyone starting to grow quiet and he knows the cake is coming. He knows so he turns and then something makes him turn back around to the front door instead. It’s like he knows, like something trips.

Vic’s standing there with Bobby. She looks nervous and worried and Liv’s face is pale. He looks at her and then looks at Vic and then he looks at the man standing behind them both.

He’s seen enough pictures to know who’s standing there, something flips in his chest as he stares at him. The name Robert, heavy on his tongue as he stays silent.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was absolutely blown away by the reaction to the first chapter. Honestly I’m so grateful. Thank you all so much. Here’s hoping you like the main bulk of this fic and the very deserved ending!

  
No one says anything for a second or two. He turns to see his dad, almost desperately has to and he nearly drops the cake. Cain takes it from him, the candles being blown out awkwardly before they melt the whole thing away.

He counts them, one, two, three, all the way up to sixteen. Sixteen exactly.

“What ...” His dad has this really weird ability to cry on the spot, it’s like his emotions just pour out without anything to stop them. He cries because he feels. It’s his way of showing what’s happening inside him.

Seb stands frozen. He just looks at his dad and then back at Vic and ... him. He can’t bring himself to stare, so he looks at the floor instead until his nan is standing and telling everyone to leave.

“No. No, it’s ... Seb, it’s his birthday.”

“That’s why ...” Vic tries to speak, _tries_.

“You shout your mouth.” Aaron points at her and he looks like something’s taken over his body. This _anger_ is everywhere. “Get out. Don’t ... you’re not ruining my boy’s birthday. You’re ...” Seb looks up and sees his dad staring right at Robert.

He’s pretty sure just looking at him makes his dad stop thinking altogether.

“Hi mate.” Robert’s voice is clear. It’s old. It sounds like someone’s ripped something out of him. “I’m ... happy birthday.”

Seb can’t look at him. He keeps his eyes on the floor and watches everyone start to move around them all. Everyone leaves. Even his nan goes when Aaron tells her to and suddenly there’s only him, and Liv, and Vic, and his dad and ... Robert.

Robert. In that actual flesh.

“Aaron, just listen.” Vic’s speaking for everyone. “He got out last night. He had nowhere else to go, he couldn’t just stay away when it’s ...”

Aaron’s eyes are wide and he’s just looking at Robert. He’s just staring and there’s tears falling down his face.

“You need to leave.” His dad’s a state. He’s shaking and his face is pale and yet bright red at the same time. He didn’t expect this when he thought of Robert coming home one day. He expected having to listen to music really loud all night because they’d be making up. He expected smiling and happiness.

“Aaron.” Robert says one word and it’s like a damn is opened because his dad almost doubles over, and he backs towards the fridge.

“No.” His dad says. “No. No. I can’t do this. It’s his _birthday_.” Seb gulps hard, keeps his head down. “You’re ruining his ...”

“It’s OK dad.” Seb finds his voice, he raises his head and looks at his dad. “It’s OK.” He looks at Robert slowly. “You’re Robert then.”

Robert looks at him like he’s not sure what to say. Eventually he nods and Seb has a proper look at him.

He’s older than his dad. He’s got wrinkles around his eyes and his mouth, but his hair isn’t greying yet. Not like his dad’s is. He’s still got all of it too. He’s wearing a shit shirt under a shitter cardigan or something and his arms are massive.

It makes Seb look like a green bean compared to him. Though he hasn’t been prison for fourteen years. He hasn’t had the time to lift weights all day.

“I’m Robert.” He comes a little closer and then his chin wobbles. Seb watches Robert watch him, soak him in or something. “You’re so big.”

“That’s what happens.” Seb says. He looks at Liv, the way she’s fighting back tears. He watches Vic hold Bobby’s shoulders and stare. He feels everyone everywhere and it’s too much.

He steps back. “Why you here?”

“Why don’t we let your dads talk.” Vic says it easily. It’s like because Robert’s standing here now, in the flesh, all sad looking, that it means he’s officially his dad again.

“I just wanted to ... did you get my watch?” Robert looks like it’s the only thing that he can bare to have on his mind. He looks sort of crazy until Seb frowns and Aaron peels himself away from the fridge. He comes towards his son, like he’s shielding him

“What watch?” Seb looks up at his dad and his dad is looking at Robert.

“I wanted you to have it. Today. Your sixteenth.” Robert looks up at Aaron. “I just wanted him to have ...”

“You haven’t chucked it have ya?” Vic says, like it’d be a proper shame. Seb looks at his dad and sees how he’s breathing deeply.

“No.” His voice is hardly there but Seb clings to something that sounds a little like normal. “I should have.” He’s angry again. He’s got his hand on his shoulder and Seb feels him squeeze. “He doesn’t need your shitty watch. He doesn’t need ...”

“Aaron. Not like this.” Liv’s saying. She comes forward and grabs her car keys. “Seb. Let’s go for a drive.”

His feet stick on the ground. “I’m not leaving my dad.”

“I think we need to talk.” Robert says. He looks like the stuffing has been ripped out of him. He’s pale. He’s got a cut above his eye that Seb’s just noticed. “We need to talk. Please.” He says.

After a second, Aaron looks down at him and speaks like he’s still a little boy. “Go with Livy.” He says. It makes Seb feel so small. “Go. She’ll take you for some ice cream.”

“I’m not a kid.” Seb says. He ducks out of the way his dad tries to ruffle his hair. “I’ll go myself.” He says. So he does. He grabs his coat and his phone and gets his new headphones out of the wrappings. He rips and breaks and shoves them under the arm as he yanks the door open.

“Hi mate.” Seb looks at the man standing on the other side of the door. He’s wearing a suit and a long green tartan scarf. “Happy birthday. Your dad in or ...”

“It’s not a good time.” He realises it’s Dean. He sighs hard when he doesn’t seem to understand.

“Your dad said ...”

“Yeah? Well that was before my other dad showed up after being released from prison for thumping some rapist over the head and killing him.” Seb watches the blood drain from Dean’s face. Then he sees the small envelope in his hand and his name on it. “Cheers.” He says. He supposes it’s money and takes it with him as he walks away.

—

He doesn’t know how long to leave it. He has absolutely no idea how long it will take for his dad to stop looking like he wants to snap Robert in half.

He isn’t sure why, but he feels really sorry for him. In his head, Robert was taller and wiser and had this constant smirk on his face. He was _charming_ and witty. He was enough for his dad when he wasn’t sure anyone would be.

He plays on his phone for ages, beats his highest score on a game and then watches his phone light up and sees Isaac’s face. He answers with a sigh and Isaac doesn’t say anything which is strangely unnatural.

“Left them to talk.” Seb tells him. “They look like they want to kill each other. Well dad does. He wants to kill Robert.”

“He won’t. He’ll probably break some things.”

Seb closes his eyes. “Maybe that’s what the letters were about. He was getting out.”

“So your dad knew?”

Seb bites at his lip. “He can’t have. He wouldn’t have reacted like that if he did. Maybe he knew he was getting released soon though.”

“Oh. He didn’t have time to prepare himself then. That’s all.”

But it can’t be. “He invited Dean around? He looks like he wants to kill him, did I mention that?”

Isaac sighs. “Have you met my mum and dad?” It makes Seb laugh a little. “They say they do it ‘cause they’re just really in love with each other.”

“So they’re crazy people too?”

“I’m starting to think you don’t know my mum and dad. Especially my mum.”

Seb smiles a little and then he’s back to worrying.

“Let them shout it out.”

“Then what?”

“Then they’ll be OK again.”

He’s not sure why Isaac’s one month on him makes him have all the answers but it’s always been like this for some reason. He nods out something, gives it another ten minutes before he walks home.

—

He wonders if Robert’s gone when he unlocks the door to his. He hopes he isn’t. He hopes with everything inside him that he’s stuck around, and his dad hasn’t chucked him out.

He hangs by the door, waits as he sees something smashed on the floor and his dad’s voice. He’s crying, but he’s shouting through it.

“You just thought you’d _surprise_ me and Seb? Yeah? You thought that would be OK?”

Seb’s sure they’ve gone round and round in circles since being alone. He’s sure that they’ve got nowhere and yet they’re still in the same place, still shouting at each other.

“I didn’t know what I thought Aaron. I wasn’t ... I wasn’t thinking about anything other than seeing you again.”

It makes Seb smile until his dad is yelling.

“_Why_? The kid you abandoned and the husband you divorced. Why the fuck would you –”

“I didn’t have a choice.” Robert’s chin wobbles. Seb sees him through the reflection of the glass and he’s crying too. “I didn’t have a choice Aaron, as soon as I was in that _place_, I didn’t know ...”

“You couldn’t be arsed anymore? Is that it? Couldn’t be bothered.”

Robert comes towards him, this fight in the way he moves. “You _know_ why I had to. You do, please, tell me you do.”

“Because you’re a selfish bastard?”

Seb feels something get caught in his throat as he waits for Robert to reply.

“Has that helped? Thinking that’s what I am. Has it?” Robert shudders. “I don’t blame you if it has. But you _know_ I was ... I was protecting you.” Robert says.

“Protecting me? I didn’t need protecting. I _needed_ you.” Robert is close to his dad. He goes to pull a hand up towards Aaron, but his dad pushes him away. “_No_. I needed ya. I needed my husband but you ... you took that away from me.”

Robert nods. He keeps nodding and Seb wonders how much he’s had to come to peace with what he did. “I had to.”

“Why?” His dad explodes once again. He pushes at Robert’s chest hard and then holds his hands in place.

“Fourteen years Aaron. Fourteen.” Robert grits his teeth and it sounds like forever, Seb can’t imagine not seeing someone you really love for that long. He suddenly, really suddenly, doesn’t know how his dad has been as strong as he has been.

“And?” Aaron’s throat is wrecked from shouting, Seb can tell. “So? I didn’t fucking care.”

“I did.” Robert shouts for the first time. Then he hangs his head and Seb watches his hands shake. “You know what prison’s like ... what happens.”

Aaron’s face turns dark suddenly. It’s like all the anger melts and he looks so seriously concerned. It makes Seb’s heart thump.

“I couldn’t have you see my like that. I couldn’t.” Robert’s chin wobbles. “I’d rather have been alone for ... for all of it than have you see me like that.”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “So you let me go? You let everything ... go?” He frowns. “For fourteen years. A whole life ... us ... forever. You just let it ...”

“Aaron.” Robert says his name like it’s the only thing he _can_ say.

“I can’t have you here.” His dad sniffles. “I mean it. You’ve ruined Seb’s ...”

“I was over the road Aaron; I couldn’t not see him.”

“Why? That’s your speciality. Not seeing him. Not knowing him. Or me. Or your sister or ...” Aaron balls his hand into his fist and then Robert grabs hold of it to calm him down.

It’s scary how much it manages to make Aaron melt into something soft again. It’s like Robert is some sort of magician.

For a second, he’s sure Aaron cups Robert’s face. “You’re ... you just walked back in here like you never ...”

“I’m sorry. I’m _sorry_, so sorry.” Robert keeps saying the words over and over again and Seb fills it run through him until his dad spots him by the door and he pushes Robert away from him.

“Seb.” Aaron wipes his hands down his face. “Where ... where did you go? Hmm? Sorry mate come here. Robert’s just ... he’s going.”

Seb comes into the room slowly. “Went to the barn.”

Robert and Aaron look at each other and Seb looks between them. He doesn’t know why they both look so struck by it, but Robert eventually smiles.

“Do you want some cake?”

“Want some answers.” Seb looks at Robert. “So he can’t just go.”

Robert gulps so hard that Seb can hear him. “I’m ... staying at Vic’s until I’ve sorted myself out.” His eyes dart towards Aaron. “So if it’s ... OK, I can see you tomorrow.”

Seb nods his head readily and then feels a sweeping feeling of guilt stretch through him when he thinks of his dad.

“It’s up to him.” Aaron says, he scratches his beard and then clears his throat. Seb leans away, takes his coat off slowly and then the envelope falls out and lands on the ground. “Who’s that from?”

“Dean.” Seb says it before he’s even thought about if he should say it. He watches his dad’s face redden; Robert’s eyes narrow. “Told him it wasn’t a good time to come in.”

His dad looks more than a little shocked. He steps back, looks really small. “Good call.”

Seb bites back what he was going to say in favour of a long stretched out silence. He watches Robert look at him and then he’s backing away.

“I’m just ... I’m over the road OK.” Robert says. He says it like he wants him to know every single thing he’s saying. “Happy birthday mate.”

He says that and then he leaves, and his dad’s never looked so hollow before.

—

Seb hears him trying to cry all quietly when he thinks that he’s asleep. He’s got his bedroom door ajar and he’s listening to something.

_I love you. And I always will. _

He hears it three times before he gets to the bottom of his bed and realises it must be a recording. He pretends he hasn’t heard it at all when his dad gets up and goes to the bathroom.

He has no idea how someone can cry as much as his dad does.

—

The next morning he’s grateful he doesn’t have school. It’s Saturday and he’s usually waking up at half ten and sticking the telly on but instead it’s nearly nine and he’s already downstairs sipping a glass of water.

He doesn’t expect to find his dad down there too, but he is. He’s looking at his birthday cards and stuffing wrapping paper into bin bags.

“Alright mate? No lie in?” He actually looks like everything is fine but he’s eyes are red raw, and he looks like Robert did yesterday.

“Couldn’t really sleep.”

His dad stops what he’s doing. “There’s plenty of cake you know. Lemon buttercream as well. I got it done ...”

“Did you just shout at Robert then?”

His dad stops dead. “No.”

“Sounded like it.”

“You weren’t supposed to be listening.” His dad scratches the back of his head and looks so out of his depth he might as well be talking about the importance of safe sex. “I didn’t just _shout_.”

“So you listened?” Seb frowns. “What does he want? Does he want us?”

The question’s been on his mind all night, it’s been played over and over and over again until his mind melted down like jelly and he had to stuff a pillow over his head.

His dad must know. He must. But he looks like he doesn’t know what day it is. “All I know is that he’s out of prison, living with your auntie for now. That’s all we need to know.”

Seb frowns. “Don’t you need to know if ...”

If he wants us, if he still loves you, if divorces really don’t change anything.

“No.” Aaron shrugs. “He’s your ... if you want to know him, you can. Of course you can. But I know where I stand.”

“All of a sudden?” The thing is, he’s never been a difficult kid, never asked annoying questions that make Aaron have a hard time. He’s always thought that until now.

“I’ve always ...” Aaron clears his throat. “Seb, we’re divorced.” It sounds harsh, probably harsher than his dad meant it to sound.

“So why didn’t you give me the watch?” Seb’s eyes are wide and he has them fixed on his dad. “You kept it for yourself ‘cause you wanted to.”

His dad’s head dips. “Seb ...”

“You’re just lying to yourself, but you don’t need to. He’s back now.”

And his dad looks at him like he’s five _again_. “It’s not that simple buddy.” He calls him _buddy_ too like he’s just a stupid kid who needs shutting up. He bites his lip like he’s trying not to cry and Seb’s quickly had enough. He huffs, gets up the stairs and jumps into a shower.

He stands there for a long time, uses this posh shower gel his dad has just to spite him and when he comes down again the place is somehow messier than it started out as this morning.

“I’m going to see him.” Seb says. He stuffs his hands in his pocket after unhooking his hoodie from his jacket.

Aaron’s sipping a tea. “Do you want me to ...”

“No.” Seb stands taller. “I’ll be OK.” He doesn’t know if he will be, but he’ll try. He keeps his head down when he gets to the door and he wonders if the face on Aaron is showing how helpless he feels.

“I’ll be right here if you need me.”

And Seb’s always going to know that.

—

It’s still early as he walks to Vic’s. He goes to knock and then sees Robert running up beside him in a pair of jogging bottoms and a long sleeve top.

He’s a runner, Seb thinks. Maybe that’s what he’s good at too. He thinks of his dad and how he goes running too when he needs to clear his head.

“Seb.” Robert’s not even panting. He has a hand on his hip, and he gulps hard. “Sorry, did I keep you waiting?”

Robert talks to him like he’s an adult. He supposes it’s because he hasn’t been around kids for a long long time. He doesn’t hate it.

“No. Just woke up early and thought ... I’d see you.”

Robert nods then dips his head and smiles. “Do you want to come in?” He stops himself. “Sorry, that’s stupid. You’re obviously here to ...”

“Yeah.” Seb walks with him inside. He looks around Vic’s and watches Robert look at the clock on the kitchen wall. “Something wrong?”

“I ... do you mind if I have the quickest shower known to man?”

Seb shakes his head and watches Robert go. He literally takes six minutes. Seb keeps his eyes on his phone the whole time. He supposes it’s something to do with prison, his mind is still there.

He emerges dressed like some sort of grandad. He’s got a cardigan on over a shirt again and a pair of baggy jeans. He smiles nervously, rubs a hand over his arm.

“Can I get you a drink?” Seb nods. Robert comes back in with apple juice. “I don’t know if you like this or orange juice. Vic’s got that in as well. Or squash.”

“This is fine.” It’s his favourite. He doesn’t tell him; he just sips and sits next to him until Robert opens his mouth again.

“I know yesterday must have been ... a shock.” Robert gulps. “I didn’t know I was going to walk in until I did. I couldn’t not see you on your birthday.”

Seb frowns. “You haven’t seen me for all the others.” He puts his glass down. “So what changed?” He’s anxious about how much he sounds like his dad, if it’ll make Robert close up.

“I was out. I never have to go back there again.” Robert bounces his leg. He looks like shit but in an alright way. “So I can be here for all the others.” He smiles. “If you want me to.”

“I wanted you to let me see you. As much as I could.” Seb says. “I know dad wanted the same thing.” Robert’s eyes flicker, he looks like Seb’s said something that’s made his insides turn to goo. Seb frowns. “What’s ...”

“Aaron’s an amazing dad isn’t he?” Robert says. He nods slowly and Robert gulps. “I knew he would be. He’s your _dad_.” He nods as if he’s just realised. Seb thinks he’s a little odd.

“He always has been.” Seb lifts his chin up. “He had to be when you went. Mum went a bit mad.” Robert’s eyes widen. “She’s alright now. Better. But he had to look after me.”

Robert runs a hand through his hair, messes it all up and Seb wonders if he’ll look like him when he’s old. “I’m sorry. I haven’t said that yet. I’m so sorry Seb.”

Seb pulls back from whatever he wants to say. “For what?”

Robert blinks. “For any time you felt like I didn’t want you, love you.”

Seb doesn’t understand how adults can love people they haven’t seen for years and years. It’s probably a parent thing. “You love me?”

Sure his dad used to say daddy Robert did but there’s a difference between that and actually hearing it. There’s all this truth in it suddenly.

Robert’s face crumbles. “Of course I do.”

“How? You haven’t seen me since I was a baby.”

Robert shakes his head. “Don’t matter. Time doesn’t ... doesn’t make it just go away.” He holds onto that thought and then breathes in. He watches Robert lean over and get his wallet. “They gave this back to me when I got out. Look.” He takes a picture out and Seb stares down.

It’s him as a baby, Robert holding him and Aaron and Liv making faces either side of them. Liv looks so young and Aaron’s got this life in his eyes.

“I’ve seen this before I think.” He can’t remember where. “Maybe in Liv’s old room. I used to hide under her bed and surprise her when she got in.”

Robert lets out a stifled laugh. “Bet she loved that.”

Seb looks up at him, wants really badly to have known him for all sixteen years of his life. It feels so unfair that he hasn’t. “I hate that you had to go.”

He thinks about if he was still in Hotten prison. If he was only a twenty-minute drive away.

“I know.”

“I tried hating you like dad did.” Robert’s strong. He must be, to listen to this. “Tried making out like I didn’t need you. That none of us did.”

“It’s OK.” Robert says. “I’m not angry.”

“You don’t get to be.”

“I know.” Robert waves a hand in the air, sighs. “God. Yeah I know that.” Seb sort of wishes he had more fight in him, but he doesn’t know how much has been knocked out in prison. He supposes a lot.

“It didn’t work though.” Seb tells him. He sees Robert smiles faintly and the wrinkles around his eyes seem to grow deeper. “As I got older. I got it more. Then things got even more complicated.”

Robert closes his eyes faintly. “That tends to happen.” He says. “Still don’t have a clue myself.”

Seb thought fourteen years trapped somewhere could cure anything you weren’t sure about considering you have so much time to just think. Apparently it didn’t do a lot for Robert.

“Why did you come back here?” Seb watches Robert closely.

“There was nowhere else I could be.” Robert’s chin wobbles a little and he clasps his hands together. “I want ... I want to put things right.”

“You didn’t put things ... wrong in the first place.”

Seb thinks that’s a conversation for another day when Robert looks surprised he thinks the way he does.

“I left your dad.” Robert says. “In all the ways possible.” He says it like it’s a fact, like there’s absolutely no other way you could think about it. “And it haunts me, what he went through ‘cause of me.”

Seb makes a small sound and any doubt he had that Robert might rock up and not even want to be in the same room as his dad runs away. Robert really really loves his dad.

“What you _both_ went through.”

“I did alright.” Seb says quickly. It makes Robert look at him like he’s really proud. He didn’t know he needed Robert to look at him like that.

“‘Course you did. You’ve got my genes ain’t ya?” Robert tries to laugh but it doesn’t quite come out so instead he ducks his head. “I spoke to you when you were little, told you to look after your daddy Aaron when I was away.”

Daddy Aaron echoes in his mind. He remembers it before it just turned into dad.

“I want to try and put things right if I can. I want to try and get to know you.” Robert gulps hard. “If you want to.” He’s got all this nervous energy about him. “I want to be ...”

“My dad?” Seb thinks back to when he was seven years old and he looked out his window, told himself that his daddy Robert was somewhere far but yet close enough to see the stars like he did. He remembers wishing that he’d climb up to his window and be his dad like Aaron was. He wanted two, felt greedy for it but couldn’t help it.

Seven-year-old him would have jumped at the chance of this.

Robert pulls a face. “It’s up to you if I could ever be that. I’m not waltzing in here expecting you to call me dad and love me. I just ...” He looks really sad, looks like he’s got a lot of love to give. “How about Robert?”

Seb doesn’t know if he’s meaning to be funny or not. He crinkles his nose up. “That’s alright.” He says and then Robert is looking at him like his dad did yesterday at the thought of him being sixteen.

Seb smiles back.

—

Robert sticks around. He looks after Bobby for Vic whilst she’s doing her catering work and Seb pops in after school.

The initial shock has sort of worn off. It’s been four days and his dad doesn’t get in the way of anything. He doesn’t want to. It’s like he’d rather pretend Robert wasn’t around.

Robert’s a good cook. He makes lasagne from scratch and Seb’s never seen someone do it before. His dad says it’s pointless when it all comes in a pack for you. Robert doesn’t agree. He says Aaron’s never liked cooking, says he used to do most of their dinners. Seb smiles, thinks the thought seems cosy, ideal.

“You could bring this round. We could ... I don’t know ... eat together.” Seb plays it down like it’s nothing, uses Robert’s little knowledge of his mischief to get him listening.

“Your dad won’t want to see me Seb.” He always says Seb, like he needs to remind himself he’s really talking to his son. It makes Seb feel like something’s stuck in his chest.

“You can’t avoid him forever.”

“I’m giving him time Seb.” Robert takes the lasagne out of the oven and call Bobby in.

“Time for what? Haven’t you given him enough of that?” Robert raises his head at that, bites his lip like he’s thinking about it all. “At least try.”

So he does. He gets Robert walking into the Mill with the lasagne under his arm and leaves Bobby pouting about not getting any back at his. He walks in on Aaron playing a video game on the sofa, beer cans around him and boxes of Chinese everywhere.

Seb sighs, feels a blush when Aaron spots Robert and sits up straighter. “Dad, Robert made lasagne.”

Aaron’s eyes are glued to Robert’s.

“Dad?”

“I was going to order us something.” Aaron says to Seb. He tries to smile and then looks around the table for a leaflet. “Uh ... yeah some ... some Indian or –”

“Sick of takeaways. We could eat ...”

Aaron just stares at Robert like he’s trying to scope out whatever’s inside his head. “Seb, give us a second.” He doesn’t want to. He sighs hard and gets up the stairs, stands on the landing to hear them.

“He just thought it would be best if we weren’t avoiding each other.”

“So I’m the bad guy here?” Aaron stands. He tries to whisper and fails because Seb can hear him so clearly he almost doesn’t want to. “Is this you winning him over?”

“No.” Robert says. “It’s me trying to get to know my son again. He likes cooking with me.” Seb smiles a little. “So we made this. I just ... I didn’t want you to think we were leaving you out.”

His dad sighs. “Never left me out before have you?” He says.

“I’m trying Aaron.”

“I don’t want you to _try_.” His dad’s voice is angry again, he can almost see the veins in his forehead. “There’s no point in trying with me. Seb’s happy you’re back. I’m glad. For him.” He stammers. “For _him_. But I’m just your ex.”

It’s cold and sad and makes Seb want to walk away and stop listening.

“You know that isn’t true.” Robert shudders. “You _know_ that I ...”

“I don’t want to know.” Aaron says. “I can’t know.” Seb wants to bang their heads together.

“It’s too soon. I know.” Robert sighs. “I’m an idiot for thinking that you’d still ...”

“I signed those papers for a reason Robert.”

Seb leans his head against the wall and breathes in deeply. He hears the door go again and realises Robert’s gone without saying another word.

Aaron comes into his room ten minutes later and tells him that they can go to the pub for their tea if he wants. Seb says he’s tired and doesn’t mean it.

“Tomorrow then yeah?”

Seb watches his dad go, wants to throttle him for making out things are so difficult when they aren’t.

—

They have that dinner in the pub. Only when they get there Robert is with Bobby and they look like they’re having a really serious conversation. Bobby’s always been really quiet. He’s always been so kind and soft and then comes to life when you speak to him about something he loves.

Seb watches them, feels this pang of jealously strike him when Robert strokes his hand and smiles. His dad’s watching too. Seb feels him holds him by the shoulders and points out the booth nearest the kitchens and surprisingly the furthest from Robert.

“Order anything you like.” His dad says, rolls up his sleeves and stares over to where Seb can’t see because his dad told him to slide in before he could think.

Marlon comes, takes their order and even he notices how much his dad isn’t listening whatsoever. Seb orders two pies for them and then clears his throat at his dad.

“Why don’t you just go over there?”

His dad looks at him like he’s speaking another language. “What? Where?”

“To where Robert’s sitting.” Seb says. “We can both go. Once he’s finished talking to Bobby.”

His dad drums his fingers against the table. “Looks sensitive.” He says and Seb wonders if Bobby knows what he does about why Robert went away. He wonders if Robert’s trying to make him understand, spend quality time with him. “Anyway. How was school?”

Seb sighs. “Stop changing the ...” His dad shakes his head at him, says he isn’t and then nan is coming from the backroom and calling him in.

“I’ll be back in a sec.” Aaron says. He gets up, smiles a little and then follows his mum whilst Seb sits playing with his thumbs. He tries to listen to what Robert’s saying.

He hears something like, “I’ve waited so long to see ya.” Then something like, “You know I love you right?”

It makes Seb slope away, a smile on his face when Bobby smiles and nods. It’s good that Bobby has him. He’s only had Aaron for both of them for a really long time. He watches Marlon give them their food and he goes to get his dad. Only stops when he sees him on the sofa with his mum’s arms around him.

“Then, _then _he bought round a lasagne him and Seb had made.”

His nan pulls this face, he can see it and he almost smiles. “Was it nice?”

His dad brings his head up. “Nice? I didn’t eat it. I don’t want Seb getting any sort of hope from this.”

“So you’re certain, you’re _sure_ that this is over.” His nan says. “As in ... no going back.” His dad puts his head down, shudders.

“I can’t go back there.” He sounds terrified. “He left us mum. He left me.”

His nan doesn’t say anything good about Robert. She never has. But she’s also never said anything bad either. It leaves him waiting to hear what she has to say.

“He didn’t go out for a pint of milk and never bother coming home love.”

Aaron bounces his knee. “No. No, he made me think we were forever and then he _divorced_ me.” His dad’s always said it like it’s the worst thing in the world to ever have happened to him.

“Aaron ...”

“You’re meant to say I’m right mum.” His dad looks like he wants to cry. “That ... that I can’t put me and Seb through that again, that it doesn’t matter that ...”

“Still love him?” Chas huffs and Seb’s eyes widen. “That much is obvious love. Probably to everyone except Robert. Just to make things more difficult, he’s bloody good at that.”

His dad sighs. Then he looks down at his right hand like he always seems to do when he’s all stressed.

“Might have met someone for all I know.”

“_Robert_?”

Seb’s heart thumps so hard he thinks they can hear it. He cranes his neck, looks at his dad just nodding his head really slowly.

“He was in _prison_ Aaron, not Love Island.”

He would laugh if the thought didn’t make him feel sick. Robert can’t have moved on.

“He wouldn’t do that.”

“Why? I have.” Seb scoffs, and then leans away so they can’t hear him. “Tried.” His dad corrects himself like he should do and then his nan sighs. “You say he wouldn’t do that, but you don’t know, we don’t know him mum.”

His dad makes this face like someone’s just punched his stomach. He almost doubles over with it.

“It’s his eyes.” And then he’s crying. “They’re not the same.” His dad says and somehow Seb understands. “It doesn’t matter that I love him.”

It does, Seb wants to say.

“I don’t even _know_ this Robert to ... to _love_ him.”

Seb’s heard enough, he walks forward, knocks once and sees his nan hugging his dad the way his dad used to hug him.

“Our tea’s getting cold dad.” He says, he watches Aaron slide up on the sofa and pretend like nothing’s happened.

“Better go eat then.”

When they get back out, Robert’s gone.

—

“Did you meet someone else?” Seb’s slicing carrots and they’re making a cottage pie together. Robert’s got this grey top on and he looks a little more normal than he did before.

The question falls out of his mouth so fast he can’t push it back inside. So he watches Robert stop stirring things and just stare up at him.

“Did I ...”

“In prison.” Seb decides the only thing he can do is roll with this and pretend like the question isn’t a massive one. “People do it all the time. Meet the love of their life in there.”

“Have you been watching something Seb?”

Seb sighs. “Dad thinks you have. Or you might have.” Robert crosses his arms over and Seb feels like a piece of spaghetti agin until his eyes widen and he steps back. “I heard him tell nan.”

Robert looks so determined suddenly. “Of course I didn’t.” He gulps. “No. No one.” He says. “I don’t know why ...”

“Maybe it’s easier for him to think that.” Seb should be a counsellor. His psychology teacher would be proud of his hypothesis. He watches Robert frown. “What?”

“You’re wise aren’t ya?” Robert wipes his hands on the towel in front of him and gets up on the counter with ease. He pulls a face as he shimmies and his old-ness shines through again. “Your dad ... he’s just hurting.”

“Because you hurt him.” Seb says. “I don’t think he wants to. I think he wants you home.”

Robert does what his dad does. He starts looking like he’s trying not to cry and his chin wobbles.

“That’s all I want too.”

Seb smiles. “So go and tell him that.” But apparently it doesn’t get to be that simple, apparently his dad knows, he just doesn’t want to listen. “He needs to.”

Robert looks all sad. “He doesn’t owe me anything Seb.”

Seb feels all this angry suddenly. “Vic does.”

And Robert looks at him with wide green eyes. “You know about ...” He’s eyes go all red. “You know _why_ ...”

Seb nods.

“You’re not scared?”

“_Scared_? No. No, I’m not. I promise.” He promises and watches Robert’s shoulders relax. He supposes that they can talk about this stuff another time. He watches Robert lean out, go to hold his hand.

Seb lets him.

—

So, his dad still listens to a voicemail when he’s not around and Robert didn’t meet anyone inside. So he’s been alone for fourteen years which must be pretty shit.

He wants to bang their heads together. So he comes up with a plan.

—

He’s making a lasagne because Robert’s taught him how to do it. He’s watched him all week in between sitting and talking about comic books and his favourite shows on telly.

He’s basically a pro at it. He’s not telling his dad he skipped his last period to come home and make it but that doesn’t matter. The point is he’s going to love it. The point is Robert’s going to as well.

It’s half six when he comes in. He smells of oil and has this heaviness to his step when he sees Seb standing near the oven getting garlic bread out on a tray.

“What are you ...”

“I wanted to make us some dinner.” His dad knows him well enough to frown. “I said Robert could come too.” His dad’s face falls. “Just for a couple of hours. You’re telling me you can’t be civil for a couple of hours?”

Aaron taps his foot against the floor and places a hand on his hip. “Seb ...”

“For me.” Seb comes closer towards him. His dad looks away. “Is that a no?”

Aaron looks at him, then raises his hand to cup the back of Seb’s neck. “When ‘ave I able to say no to you?”

It’s a point. It’s why fifteen minutes later Seb’s answering the door to Robert. He’s bought a Cadbury’s Milk Tray and Aaron just stares at him. He does that. It’s like whenever he sees him in his house it’s taking him back. It must be weird, must be insane for Robert to have to knock on the house he used to live in.

“Alright mate?”

“Yeah. Lasagne’s on.” Seb swings his legs against the sofa and watches Robert smile at him. The smile fades when he watches him look at his dad.

“Hi.” Robert sounds like there’s something stuck in his throat when he speaks to Aaron. “I ... Seb said it was OK.”

“I know.” Aaron has his arms folded and then he untucks them. His eyes flicker and he breathes in. “You ... you alright?”

Seb takes it as progress, finds himself smirking until the lasagne’s all done and they’re sitting around the dinner table like a proper family. He should hate having to do this, he’s sixteen and his phone is glued to his hand, but he still wants _this_.

Robert hangs back from grabbing plates, plays with his hands and Seb wonders if he used to always do it, used to dish up dinner for everyone like a proper family man.

The sound of plates and cutlery clinging about is the only thing Seb can hear until the door goes and he’s back to smirking when Isaac is let in.

“Sorry to disturb Uncle Aaron. Is it OK if Seb quickly shows me how to do my science homework.”

Aaron puts his fork down and gives Seb absolute daggers. “ _Now_?”

Seb’s already standing, watching Robert sit frozen at the table as his dad looks everywhere but in his direction. “It’ll only take ten minutes. Start without me.”

“Seb. I don’t ...”

“Robert I’ll be back soon.” Seb says and then he’s grabbing his hoodie and running out. “That went alright?” Isaac frowns.

“Your dad wants to kill ya.”

Seb scoffs. “He wants do snog the face of Robert more.” Isaac pulls a face. “What? They needed a _push_.”

And this is it. It has to be.

—

He leaves it until half an hour has gone by. He gets up from Isaac’s room and puts his shoes back on when Cain walks in and asks what he’s doing here.

“Being Cupid without them wings.”

Seb scowls at Isaac. “Shut it.”

“Cupid?” It’s like Cain never misses a trick. “On who?”

“No one.” Seb stands and gets to the door only for Cain to lean against it.

“Your dad and ... your dad.” Everyone says it like that now. “Leave them to it lad.”

“What like you and Moira? No chance.” Seb dodges the way Isaac calls for him to piss off and he runs all the way home. The door is open, they’re idiots for not locking up. He sort of doesn’t know what he’s about to walk in on but then he hears what he does.

“— and then you cut me off.” His dad is saying. “You wouldn’t let me stay with ya.”

“I know.” Robert says. “I know.” Seb hears the scrape of a chair. “I’ve been punishing myself for ...”

“Punishing yourself?” His dad sounds like someone’s punched him in the gut, like he’s struggling to breathe.

“I don’t mean like that.” Robert says. Seb closes his eyes around something dark and then opens them again. “I meant ... I had fourteen years to hate myself, to regret.”

“Why couldn’t you let me?” His dad’s crying. He leans in around the door frame and sees that Aaron’s closer to Robert than he thought he’d be. “Remember that car? Remember how ... you wouldn’t leave me; you would have _died_ with me.”

Robert nods his head and Seb goes back to thinking about everything he doesn’t know about them.

“I would have died with you; you would have died with me but ... you couldn’t let me give you fourteen _poxy_ years of my life.” Aaron leans forward and Robert closes his eyes. He has a hand over his face.

“I just ...” Robert doesn’t say anything. He seems startled and struck by something and Seb feels sorry for him again. He wants to shake him so badly. “I was doing what I thought was best.”

Aaron goes to get up and Seb wants the power to glue him back down. Then he sees Robert’s hands falling onto Aaron’s thighs.

“_Please_. Aaron, please.” Robert’s saying. “I can’t do this anymore without ya. Not when you’re so close.” He has a hand on Aaron’s face, he gently strokes, and Aaron rocks his head against it.

It looks like something in the movies just before the lead kisses the love interest. He looks on, sees his dad actually lean in and then Seb feels someone bump into him.

He looks up and sees Dean. Pissing Dean standing there looking like a total idiot.

“Seb?”

Seb closes his eyes and watches as his dad comes to the door.

“Dean. Hi. I ...” Dean’s holding his dad’s umbrella and looks like he’s standing in something bad. “Is that my ...”

Dean’s office deals with his dad’s scrap stuff. Dean clearly thinks he represents the company or something.

“You left this at mine.” Seb wants to punch him right in the face. “My _office_.” He stammers and then he gulps. “Is this a bad time?”

Robert grabs his coat and Seb looks at the lasagne untouched on his place. “No. Not at all.” He goes, kisses Seb’s head and he can almost hear him whisper something like _sorry_.

“Was that the ex-husband?”

Aaron’s eyes flicker. “How do you ...”

Dean looks at Seb. “I ...”

“Seb, go eat your tea.” Aaron rubs a hand over his face and then goes out the door with Dean. It’s freezing but he doesn’t take his coat. He just steps out and rubs his hands together.

There’s no telly on, no radio either so Seb can hear them. He can hear because Dean’s not even trying to be quiet.

“You never said you had an ex-husband. Or that he was in prison.” Dean seems to get a backbone and whack it round his dad’s head.

“I didn’t know I had to. Yet.”

There’s muffling. There’s whispered shouting and then he hears something clearer.

“You back with him then?”

And then there’s nothing coming out of his dad’s mouth. He’s silent. Seb smirks. He’s smirking until.

“No.” It comes out like he’s swallowed a boiled sweet.

“Yeah. Whatever.”

“Dean, hang on a ...”

Dean doesn’t hang on.

—

Robert gets a job in the cafe. He’s Bob’s apprentice and he has to wear an apron and everything. He’s putting up Christmas decorations when Seb comes in and dumps his school bag down.

“Alright mate?” Robert looks a little embarrassed and Seb doesn’t want him to be. He’s looked it up, it’s really hard for convicted criminals to get work after they’ve been released. “Chocolate brownie on me?”

Seb frowns. “Prefer ...”

“Millionaire shortbread?” Robert says. Seb nods at him and feels something flutter through him. He steps off the ladder, tinsel still around his neck and then he passes Seb a slice.

“Bob alright?”

Robert pulls a face. He’s funny sometimes. “He’s old and needs the help.”

Seb gulps. “I’m sorry about the other day.” He says. He hasn’t seen him properly since and the thought has been ticking around in his brain. “I didn’t think it’d be like that.”

Robert wipes the counter down and then looks up. “It’s not your fault Seb. But you shouldn’t do it again.”

“Why not?”

“Because there’s ...” Robert gulps. “How’s school?”

Seb lets him change the subject, keeps him company until he’s got to lock up and he’s dead proud that Robert’s been given that responsibility.

He helps him stack chairs up in silence and Robert keeps looking over at him. “What?”

“I know, in your head Seb, maybe things went back to normal, back to ... a time you want to remember.” Robert has this way of speaking that manages to scope something out of Seb’s chest and leave him wide eyed. “But ...”

“He still has your rings.” Seb blurts out. “Wedding ones. The one you gave him back.” He bites his lip. “He keeps them in a drawer he doesn’t think I know about.”

Robert looks stunned, and happy and then really sad. “That doesn’t ...”

“I saw him last night n’all. He was going to kiss you.”

“Seb.”

“He _was_.” Seb wants to pull his hair out. Honestly. “And then ... then he turned Dean away.” He watches Robert’s jaw clench. “And I heard him listening to some voice message thing over and over again last night. Your voice. He does it even more now.”

Robert sniffles. “He can’t get over things Seb.”

“What you did?”

Robert closes his eyes. “No. What I gave up.”

“You were an idiot yeah but ...” Seb frowns. “You were protecting Vic.” Robert seems overwhelmed. He has to sit.

“Did your dad tell you ... everything?”

Seb nods. “He said you didn’t mean to do it. Did you?”

Robert blows out a deep breath. “Kill him? No.” He says. “Make him _suffer_? God yeah.” He looks angry and tired at just the thought of talking about this again. Then he sighs deeply.

“Would you do it again?”

Robert’s probably had to say no to be let out. “I’d have found another way to make him pay. I’d have ...” He looks at Seb. “I’d have stayed home.”

Seb nods silently. He sort of wants to give Robert a hug and he’s not even known him for that long. He just looks like he’s been through a lot. Like he needs no one and everyone at the same time.

Seb watches as Robert looks at the clock in the corner of the room and then goes towards the toilet. He still times everything. He’s still in that cell.

It makes Seb want to hug him even more.

—

He gets out the cafe with Robert and walks slowly towards his when he hears his nan call his name.

“Your dad’s doing an overnight job love. You’re bunking with Eve.” His nan fakes a smile and he absolutely curses the way she has a fold out bed underneath her own one. They used to _love_ sleepovers. Used to.

Seb’s shoulders sag and he turns to Robert. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” He goes to fist bump Robert and his face is a right picture. He looks startled and old and Seb laughs.

He watches his nan look at Robert. He wonders if they ever got on, if she ever loved him like a son. She looks like she expects Robert to say something, ask to have Seb for himself but he doesn’t. Seb almost wants him to but he drags himself towards the pub anyway.

His nan’s in the middle of a clear out and apparently she’s already told him four times this week. He’s sitting on the sofa watching her show him baby pictures of Aaron and Eve and then she finds one of him and makes him groan.

“God, put it away.”

“Why? You were the sweetest little thing. A proper good baby.”

Seb thinks it was him not giving his dad a hard time. He sits up, crosses his legs over and then looks in the box tucked under the table. He brings it out and then looks at a picture of his dad, Robert, him in the middle.

He remembers seeing it before, back when his dad used to tell him stories about daddy Robert. He just can’t remember how young they both looked, how happy they seemed in their eyes.

“How come’s you still have this?”

His nan’s eyes flicker. “Your dad’s never looked that happy before.”

It’s reason enough, he supposes.

“So does Robert.”

His nan looks away from him and then nods. “They were both happy, both times ‘round.” She sighs when he looks at her funny. “Sort of got married twice.”

“Sort of?”

His nan shakes her head and then laughs. “Well to them yeah. Legally once. Emotionally or whatever once n’all. Anyway, enough of that.” She tries to close the box in more ways than one. “Marlon could do you a burger or I could try something.”

He mutters something out and spends the rest of the night thinking.

“Crazy people.” Seb thinks as he lays in bed.

—

Seb looks at the calendar on his wall. He counts down the days to Christmas down like he always does. Then he circles the 25th. Four times in red marker.

He’s got a goal by then. No one’s going to stop him. Definitely not his dad. Definitely not Robert.

—

His dad goes away for three days. He stays with his mate and rings Seb every night to see if he’s alright. He says something about his mate needing his help and Seb’s not sure why his dad thinks he’ll actually listen to the lie.

He goes and comes back differently. It’s like time away has made him clearer on things, made him realise things.

Seb should be grateful but he isn’t. He’s not grateful that he’s just missed a massive chunk of his podcast thanks to a slamming door downstairs. He hears voices, hears Robert and braces himself on the landing.

“It meant ... nothing.” His dad is saying. “You think me having your rings meant ...

“We’d do that against the fucking wall? No I didn’t. But it did.”

Seb’s mouth falls open. He screws his eyes shut.

“But then you just ... left.”

“I had to.” Aaron whispers out a shout. “It was a mistake.”

“_No_.” Robert says. He comes closer to Aaron and cups his face. It makes his dad’s shoulders melt down. “You know it wasn’t. It was ...” Seb’s lucky Robert can’t find the words to describe sex with his dad. He really is.

“Needed it out my system.” Aaron says. “So don’t ...”

“I know you better than that.” Robert is so confident. It’s like a switch has been turned on.

“That’s the thing, you don’t know me. Not anymore. And ... I don’t know you.” Aaron’s chin does that wobbling thing again and Seb leans over the bannister to see Robert holding him up. “I don’t know you.”

“You know me better than anyone.” Seb watches Robert hold Aaron’s face again. “You know I want this ... I want all of this back. I want ...”

Aaron’s crying, Seb can hear. Everything about them is so intense that it’s almost scary. He doesn’t think he’ll ever understand.

But then he hears Aaron kissing Robert, sees for himself and then Aaron’s pushing him off again. “I can’t ...” He sighs. “Seb, he can’t know, I don’t want him ...”

“Knowing you still want me?”

Seb’s heart thumps so loud he has to lean away. He misses Robert leaving. He just hears the door close shut again and everything feels dark.

—

“What the fuck do you mean by that?” Isaac is dim sometimes and gruff like Cain, so it seems like he doesn’t listen to when anyone speaks to him.

Seb sighs. “How else do you think I meant my dad’s shagged Robert.”

“How do you know that?” Isaac looks absolutely horrified and then Seb puts him out his misery.

“I heard them ...”

“Oh _fuck_.”

“_Talking_ about it.” Seb pulls a face, equally horrified as he turns the handles on his bike and looks out onto the hills. Sometimes living here is the worst place in the world, sometimes he feels stuck and then he thinks of how Robert really _was_.

“Oh.” Isaac kicks a rock and then picks it up. “They back together then?”

Seb sighs. “No. Dad’s saying it was a mistake.”

“That happens.” Isaac nods his head. “Sometimes. Maybe it _was_ a mistake.” He tilts his head. “Did they say it was?”

“Dad did.”

“Maybe he’s right.”

“Piss off.” Seb says, and he can’t hear _that,_ so he doesn’t.

“What? Robert’s been inside for _fourteen years_. Can you even imagine a bloke not having sex for _fourteen years_?”

Seb shouldn’t have to imagine. “It’s not like that.” He says. Then he cycles awkwardly back down the hill and into the village towards the cafe again.

Robert’s serving someone a toastie and looking bored out of his mind until he looks up and sees Seb. “You alright? Don’t you have school?”

“Half day.” Seb bites his lip and then watches Robert pass him over a muffin. He passes it back. “I’m not hungry.”

“Now you’re worrying me.” Robert arches an eyebrow and Seb suddenly feels like crying.

“Dad’s all sad.” Seb blurts out. “And it’s ‘cause of you.” He doesn’t mean for it to come out like that. Robert looks horrified, he dips his dad and asks to take a break. Bob lets him and he heads for the door only to thump right into someone and send a glass of juice flying.

He jumps back like he’s on fire and Seb watches his hands shake like mad. He just stands there like he can’t move his legs and then he’s bolting out the door so fast that Seb can’t breathe as he watches.

He follows him, of course he does. He runs out the shop and watches Robert marching towards the cemetery. He almost falls to his knees in front of a headstone and Seb’s brings a hand out to turn him around.

“Robert?”

Robert eventually looks up, he waves a hand out, looks real embarrassed. “I’m sorry. I’m fine. Seb, you can ...” He’s clearly saying that he can go, that he’s alright but he isn’t. “I’m fine.” He says again.

Seb buries his mouth into his hoodie and then pulls up. “No you’re not.” He says. “You’ve not been fine for a while.

Robert laughs bitterly and Seb breathes in deep. “Try fourteen years.”

“I’m sorry.” He is, he’s just really sorry.

Robert frowns up at him. “You don’t have to be. I should be. You shouldn’t have to see me like this.”

Seb moves closer. “What happened?” He means in the cafe, means when the glass shattered, and Robert looked like he was going to scream if he didn’t get out.

“Loud noises aren’t ... my cup of tea.” Robert sniffles. “So I just had to get out. Probably made a right show of myself.”

“That doesn’t matter.” Seb looks at the grave and Robert watches him. “Your mum?”

Robert gulps. “Do you know her? About her, I mean.”

“Vic talks about her, dad ... I remember him telling me about her too.” Seb folds his arms over. “You must miss her.”

Robert shakes his head. “Never gets easier. She’d have loved you. Got Aaron to thank for that haven’t I?”

Seb smiles a little and then he sees how hollow Robert looks again. “I’m sorry for saying what I said. Blaming you.”

“You’re right.”

“I’m not.” Seb says. “I know he wants you to ... be back home with us. You just make him sad too.” He shrugs, wonders if someone’s told Robert that before because he doesn’t even react. He just dips his head.

“I don’t want that.”

“What do you want?” It’s weird, he hasn’t even asked him yet. He’s just expected him to tell him soon, time’s running out though.

Robert doesn’t say anything for such a long time. “Time machine.” He says. “Go back to the day I hit _him,_ and I smashed my whole world to pieces.” He breathes in, out, “I wish I could go back.”

Seb bites his lip, he hoovers down the way Robert is. “I wish too.” He says. “But you can’t change what happened, you can’t just pretend like you didn’t shut him out.”

“I really thought it was for the best.” Robert sounds like a broken record as he rings his hands. “I wrote to him so many times.”

Seb’s heart thuds. “What?”

Robert gulps hard enough for Seb to hear. “I wrote down everything I couldn’t say to him, to you.” Seb’s not sure why Robert’s kept it all to himself. “Liv and Vic and ...”

“Bobby?” Seb blinks. He doesn’t know how not to find a little bit of pride in that. Robert’s worthy of passing a name down isn’t he? That’s pretty cool.

“What did you do with them?”

Robert crinkles his nose. “Kept them. When I got out I just ... didn’t feel right to just chuck them away.”

It starts raining and Seb watches Robert just stay exactly where he is, unmoved. “I’ve lost everything.” He says, “Years ago.” He mumbles it like he doesn’t think Seb can hear but he’s got good eyes and a strong heart, and he can take this.

He leans down, “No, you haven’t.” He says. “You’ve got me.” Seb smiles and then Robert stands, he mirrors him, standing and then watches Robert’s chin wobble.

“Yeah?”

Seb nods. “Yeah.” He gulps hard and then does something he’s always wanted to do. He leans forward and gets to be this crushing weight right in Robert’s chest. He get to feel him, smell him properly and savour it. He feels safe, it’s annoying how much.

He feels Robert kiss his head lightly, cling around him a little and then he eventually pulls away. He’s rubbing his eyes like he’s been crying, like that meant a lot to him too.

“Come on, it’s raining.” Robert brings an arm around Seb’s shoulder and they walk back to the cafe together.

—

It was going great, and now it isn’t. Robert’s amazing, like really amazing and he knows why his dad loves him. So that’s good but then Robert goes and loses all hope.

Seb’s just about to knock for him like he’s his age and ask if he wants a kick about and hears him talking. He’s talking to Vic and she’s asking him stuff.

“One crazy moment doesn’t change anything.” Robert’s saying. “He regretted it instantly. So I’m letting it go.”

No. No. _No_.

“Letting what go?” Vic crosses her arms. “There’s no way you can do that. Why pretend you can?

”Because it’s easier than _this_.” Robert raises his voice, then sighs and Seb closes his eyes around what he’s hearing, what he’s probably missed. “Has to be.”

So he says for now he has to stop and Seb wants to scream. Instead he knocks like a good boy and asks if Robert’s free. When he says he is, he tells him he needs the loo and instead goes to his room.

He’s being reckless but he’s desperate, so he hunts and hunts until he finds what he’s looking for.

—

Two days later he walks in on his dad reading something and he knows what it is. He sees the look on his dad’s face, he’s crying, but no sound is coming out. There’s just tears running down his face.

“Dad?”

He jumps up, and Seb looks down at the envelope that’s on the table. ‘Aaron’ written neatly. There must have been about thirty stuffed inside.

“How was school?”

“School. You alright?” Seb doesn’t understand adults because he thought his dad would be smiling. “Stupid question.”

“I need to go see Robert.” Aaron looks angry and Seb suddenly feels this panic inside him grow and grow.

“Why?”

His dad leans back, says. “He knows what he’s doin’.” He paces up and down and then grabs his coat before getting towards the door. Seb gets there quicker though. “Seb, I need to ...”

Seb shakes his head. “No. Don’t.”

“Seb.”

“It was me. I took them. I thought it’d ... I don’t know ... not make you _cry_.” His dad’s face is a right picture. “I thought I was helping.”

“You don’t need to ... help.” His dad stammers the words out and his face is still bright red. “God, Seb.” That means he’s disappointed. Shit.

“I’m sorry.” Seb says. “But guess what dad? So is Robert.”

Aaron bites his lip. “I saw you two the other day, hugging.” He half smiles. “I’m glad, I’m _so_ happy and I know he’s sorry. This isn’t about him being sorry. It’s complicated.”

Seb huffs loudly. “You know how rubbish that is?”

His dad pulls him in closer and he tries to read Robert’s letter from where they’re standing.

He makes out ‘_God I miss you, I even miss your cooking? How sad is that. I bet you’ve got better, I bet you’ve got better at everything without me_.’

—

He brings them back without Robert noticing, goes to the cafe and watches him lock up. He seems nervous and Seb asks him what’s up.

“Thought maybe you’d like to go fishing. Camping. Something in between.”

Seb thinks of _dads_ and their sons and he pulls a face that makes Robert look worried for a second.

“Is that a ...”

“Yeah.” Seb nods. “Course. When do you want to go?”

“This weekend?” Robert plays with the keys and then blinks. “I’ve got some business sort of stuff to get round to.”

“Business?” Seb frowns. “You starting something up?” He’s excited, feels like a kid and Robert tells him it’s more about re-starting. “Cool.” He says. Robert smiles at him, really smiles like Seb’s words mean loads to him.

—

His dad doesn’t want to go, of course. Seb doesn’t force him, doesn’t even react to when he asks if it’s not too cold for camping.

Robert comes and picks him up. He looks so much like a dad it’s almost painful. Aaron comes in the room with some sandwiches and a flask of hot chocolate.

“Have ... fun.” Aaron stretches the words out like he’s chewing gum and then he looks at Robert. “Ring me if ...”

“Yeah.” Robert looks down and Seb stands between them. He remembers a conversation with his dad the night before about this, about Robert.

“He’s ... I get it.” Seb had said, and his dad gulped hard around that. “I get what you saw, who he is. Sort of hard to explain.”

His dad nodded. “Yeah. It is a bit.”

Now, his dad is waving them off and they’re driving out towards a sort of river bank. Robert’s got a tent in the boot of his car and he brings it out as soon as he can.

It’s freezing, it’s also the middle of December and the sky is dark by the time the tent is up.

“Fire?” Robert starts looking for wood and Seb scoffs.

“What ... how do you eve—”

“Some lad taught me a trick.” Robert shrugs and Seb can’t help but smirk.

“Cool.”

Robert looks up as he says it, frowns. “Armed robber. Nothing cool about him really.” He twists a stick and Seb watches orange light dazzle his eyes. He pulls away and then sniffs.

“Dad’d be well impressed.”

Robert removes his scarf and runs his hands over the fire. Then he looks up and Seb isn’t sure if he should have mentioned him at all.

“Couldn’t do this before I went inside.” Robert scoffs a little. “Silver linings.”

Seb watches the fire. “Was it always bad?” He Goggled prison when he was ten years old, then Robert’s prison as soon as he knew. It always left him with this pit of sadness in his stomach.

Robert hugs himself. “Yeah.” He closes his eyes. “You don’t ever do anything that could get you put there. Promise?”

Seb knows what the Dingles are known for but still nods. “Yeah. Of course. I’m not stupid.” He stops himself. “Not that you are.”

Robert looks down. “Too right. I did a business degree inside too.” He looks proud of himself. It’s nice. “Tried to distract myself, set up a library system like in Shawshank n’all.”

“Shaw—what?” Robert laughs at him and he supposes it’s a film his dad avoided. He’s never got a look in on prison break either.

They eat beans and sort of fried bread and it’s really nice. It’s still freezing, and Robert still sort of has that lost look all over his face but Seb can handle it. He pokes the fire with a stick once they’re finished eating, rubs his hands together again.

“You’re alright aren’t you Seb? There’s nothing bothering ya is there?” Seb thinks for a bit, there’s that problem where whenever he thinks of Rosie his heart thuds, there’s also the fact that his so-called parents hate and love each other in equal measure. They’re the top two.

“Apart from you and dad being idiots?”

Robert smiles sadly. “Believe it or not ... we’re actually being really grown up about this.” Seb looks at him blankly. “I mean it.”

Seb crosses his arms. “Whatever you say.”

Robert look sort of sad again. “You know I had no idea what I was walking back into when the taxi pulled up here.” He blinks at Seb like he doesn’t want him to miss this. “Thought, you might be with your mum in a different country for all I know, thought that your dad could be married with kids like he always wanted. I thought the Mill could have been someone else’s home by now.”

“Nan tried to when I was young. I remember her saying dad needed space from his demons.” Robert rightfully looks at him like he’s insane and he shrugs. “She took an online course.”

Robert rolls his eyes and laughs. It eases something between them and then he sighs. “But she didn’t, you were all there. So I’m lucky.” He nods like he’s been telling himself that for a long time, maybe ever since Aaron didn’t fall back into his arms right there and then.

“So this Dean?” Robert broaches the subject finally, properly and Seb straightens up. “Him and your dad are ...”

“No.” Seb says. “He’s trying to do that, move on. Be ... normal.”

“Normal?”

“He wants me to know normal, proper family to come home to each night.”

“You’ve got that.” Robert says almost fiercely. “Aaron’s more than enough.”

Seb needs his love for Aaron to be quiet for a second as he speaks. “I know ... but he doesn’t think that. So that’s why he goes on dates. I think. Or he’s lonely.”

It’s the L word he wasn’t ever supposed to say in front of his dad according to Pads. He stops himself almost abruptly when Robert stares at him.

“Maybe I should try that.”

Seb suddenly feels his heart race. “It don’t change anything.” He says. “It makes it worse. You’ll just miss him more.”

Robert gives this look again. “That seems impossible.”

Seb can’t imagine knowing his dad, loving him as much as Robert does and then having to go. Seb thinks for ages until he sees Robert pull his sleeves up and his eyes are fixed on bruises.

They’re faded but _there_ and all up Robert’s arm.

“Rob.” He says, Robert looks up and almost smiles.

“Your dad used to call me that.” Then he stops smiling. “What?” Seb just keeps looking at the state of his arm and it makes Robert quickly pull it back down again. “Mate, it’s nothing.”

”Don’t look like nothing.”

“Well ... it is.” Robert shrugs. He tries to act like nothing happened, but it did. “Don’t worry.”

“Was it ...”

“Prison. Yeah.” Robert looks like he’s struggling but Seb can’t stop himself. He feels all this fight in him to stop Robert bottling things up. He used to hear about how confident Robert was from Vic, proper loudmouth and sarky. He wants to know who took that from him, wants to run his bike over their head.

”Why?”

Robert claps his hands together and his knee bounces. “Put too much salt in their tea.”

“Don’t lie.” Seb knows he was a big liar as well, that’s what everyone used to tell him. Then he settled with Aaron and he stopped.

Robert just frowns faintly. “It’s _prison_ Seb. Stuff happens. But I’m out now.”

“Do you see anyone?”

Robert’s still frowning. “No one meets up after they’re out Seb.”

Seb huffs. “No. I mean like a counsellor, like someone to talk to. Dad does. Sometimes. When he needs it.” He leans over. “Don’t you think it could help?”

Robert scratches his forehead. “Don’t think so Seb.” He’s fidgeting like mad, looks like the air is being punched out of him over and over again. “Just leave it.”

“They hurt you. They could have killed ya.”

He says that and then he sees his dad lean over and then he’s breathing really hard in and out. He’s panicking, looks like he’s about to drop dead any second as he pants.

“Robert.” Seb leans over him and then leans back again when he realises what’s going on. It’s a panic attack. It’ll pass, he’s sure it will. But he’s also just a stupid kid so he gets his phone out and tries to find a signal. He does, eventually, and he calls for an ambulance, calls for someone to help.

Ten minutes later Robert’s saying he’s fine again. He’s running a hand through his hair and almost smiling but it doesn’t meet his eyes at all. He can hardly speak, looks so weak that it’s scary.

He doesn’t want to go with them at first, tells the paramedics it was just a panic attack, but they take him anyway. He goes in, Seb holds his back and watches him slump back down on the seat. His eyes close and Seb feels so scared it aches.

“Dad!”

It makes Robert open his eyes wide again, green and soft and Seb really sees himself. His dad, his stupid dad with the cardigans and the lasagne‘s and the box room at Vic’s is really his dad.

“I’m alright Seb.” He keeps saying it even when he’s sitting on a hospital bed and Seb’s telling a nurse to look at his arm.

“He needs something for it.”

Robert looks at the nurse and shakes his head. “I’ve had them for weeks. I’m fine.” But he isn’t, because when he sits up and the nurse presses down somewhere he jolts and touches his side. “That’s ...”

The nurse asks to have a look, and he says no about ten times before Seb throws the dad word around and he lifts his top up slowly. He’s got deep bruises on his side and he looks like someone’s kicked him over and over again.

“That nothing too?”

He looks ashamed, like it’s his fault.

“Sir, I think I should check ...”

“Me and my nephew were just playing about.”

“So he did this?”

“No.” Robert says. “Maybe he aggravated it a little.” He sighs, and Seb stands over him.

“I need a hot chocolate.” He says suddenly, it roughly translates to ringing his dad and getting him to hold Robert’s hand through this.

His dad appears in dramatic fashion, pushing past people and saying his son and husband are somewhere. Seb watches Roberts’ face, the smile, the confusion.

“You called him?”

“Someone had to.”

The nurse comes to the door with his dad and frowns. “Your husband yes?”

Robert could say no, could not put him through having to see him once again. But he nods slowly. He actually nods and Aaron’s standing there with tears in his eyes as the nurse goes.

“What happened?” Aarons voice is thick with emotion. “The nurse said you ...”

Seb watches in silence, wants to pretend like he isn’t even here.

“I just had a panic attack.” Robert shrugs. “It’s OK. I’m OK.” Only he looks like he’s been hit by a car. His chin wobbles and he clears his throat and then Aaron’s looking at his stomach.

“What ...” His dad’s almost instantly crying. It’s like a tap has been turned on or something. “Oh my God.”

“Not ... now.” Robert looks at Seb and then swallows. “I’m tired. Seb, can you go and get me one of those.” He points to the hot chocolate and Seb tries to pretend like he‘s six and he’s not getting booted out.

He slides off the chair and walks towards the coffee machine before realising he doesn’t have any change. He goes to turn back and then stops as he looks through the window.

Robert’s laying down on the bed, and his dad is squeezing his hand. His face is bright red and he looks like he’s still crying or trying not to. Seb sees his dad kiss Robert’s forehead, his other hand running through his blond hair. He stares and stares until he sees Aaron’s face fall into Robert’s chest.

It makes something inside Seb’s chest melt.

—

Later, it’s half eleven and he blinks gently against the light of the room. He’s managed to fall asleep on the hospital chair, curled up and uncomfortable.

He can hear his dad speaking, whispering really and he closes his eyes tight, so he doesn’t stop. “... you still should have told me.”

“Why?” Robert’s saying. “So you can know what I went through? What good would that do?”

His dad doesn’t say a word. Then, “To _talk_ to someone. That helps.” He sighs. “Not just bottling up.”

“Talk to you yeah?” Seb can hear Robert nearly crying. “You hate me for what I did.”

“Hate you?” Aaron speaks like there’s literally a wasp in his mouth, like the idea is crazy. “I don’t hate ya. I couldn’t _hate_ you.”

“You can hate what I did then. Cutting you off. So how could I tell you about what I went through?” He has a point; Aaron must know too because he keeps his mouth closed. “I wanted to forget.”

Seb hears his dad scrape his chair closer, or further away from Robert. He hopes it’s closer.

“How bad was it?” Aaron’s voice is thick with something and Seb brings the jacket thrown over him up, shuffles so he can see just above it. He sees that his dad looks so scared, looks like he’s never looked before really. “Tell me.”

Robert shakes his head passionately. “I can’t.”

Aaron’s hand is in Robert’s suddenly and Robert’s head drops. “You can. Remember we used to ... used to say we can do anything together.”

Seb almost can’t breathe as Robert starts crying. His dad cups Robert’s face so quickly, brings their heads together and closes his eyes.

“It was just ... this one bloke, didn’t like that I wasn’t hated. So he used to ... try bringing me down a peg or two.” Robert shakes and then Aaron sits on the bed with him, both of them don’t even see Seb focusing on them, pretending to still be asleep. “Or something.”

His dad practically growls. “What’s his name?”

Robert tuts. “I just want to forget. I want to pretend that he didn’t get to me, didn’t hurt me. I didn’t want Seb knowing about _any_ of it.”

Seb’s eyes flicker and he breathes in against it.

“I didn’t want him knowing I ended up in hospital once, but he was asking about the bruises and ...”

“_Hospital_?” His dad gasps, and Seb feels sick. “What the fuck did he ...”

Robert shakes his head. “Then they moved him. It was over. I was OK.” His chin wobbles, and Aaron has his hands over his face. “I’m sorry.”

“_You’re_ sorry?”

Robert gulps. “I ...” He shakes his head and Seb feels this weight inside of him pull him down, make him feel like he’s falling. “I never wanted you to know about this.” He says, like it’s the saddest thing in the world.

“I thought ... sometimes you getting hurt in there was all I could think of.” Seb watches Aaron look down at his hand, stroke his finger slowly. “And you were on your _own_.” He’s crying, Seb feels tears in his eyes as he thinks about him on his own.

“Who’s fault was that?”

Aaron shakes his head. “You didn’t deserve any of it.” He says, like it’s a fact of life or something. He watches his dad wipe at his face and then relax his shoulders. “Seb ... he doesn’t need to know then.”

Seb’s glad he does because he didn’t know it was possible to have two dads who were both so brave.

“You know what he said ...” Robert looks all wide eyed. “He called me dad.” Seb feels his vision grow blurry as Robert smiles this smile and Aaron holds his hand. “I’ve waited so long to hear that. Never thought I’d deserve it.”

Of course you do, Seb’s mind screams.

Instead, Aaron jumps at the chance to shoot him down. “You always have. I see him with you, the way he is around ya, he’s mad about ya.”

Seb blinks out tears, watches with this awe about him when Aaron scoots closer to Robert like he can’t bear to be any further away.

“You’ve done such a good job.”

“I’ve tried.” Aaron gulps. “But I’m pretty rubbish without you aren’t I?” For a second, Seb wonders how different Aaron would have been as a dad if he had Robert with him. Maybe he wouldn’t have cried so much, loved him like he was going to lose him at any given second.

He wouldn’t have changed anything, but he can’t help but wonder and wonder.

“No. You’re not.” Robert bites his lip. “Don’t say that.”

“I need you.”

Seb can’t help the way his heart starts thudding, it’s like he can’t breathe. It’s like it’s finally happening.

Robert doesn’t say anything. He just stares.

“I always have. I always _will_.” Aaron’s shuddering, hands shaking in Robert’s. “I mean it.”

“You said _no_, so many ... even after we ... you said no.” Robert’s got his confusion and so has Seb but it doesn’t matter anymore. It shouldn’t.

“It wasn’t about not wanting you.”

“Maybe.” Robert sniffles. “But it was about not being able to be with me again, face me after _everything_.” He bites his lip. “I don’t blame you. I never did. I deserve this.”

Aaron looks horrified again. “I wasn’t ... I wasn’t _punishing_ ya.” He shakes his head so hard Seb thinks that it might fall off. “I was ... I couldn’t handle how I felt. I know why you did it all. I know. But seeing you ... I felt abandoned all over again.”

Seb’s sure both of them have so many things they should talk through with someone. He’s sure that there’s always going to be these demons they have and can’t quite let go of, but it doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t be happy.

Robert hangs his head sadly. “I didn’t ...”

“Remember ... remember you said people don’t forgive ya? I did then, I do now.” Robert’s eyes are filled with tears again and Seb content in knowing that he’ll never understand what they went through before he came along. He’s sure not even Liv knows it all.

“_Aaron_ ...”

“There ain’t nothing to forgive.”

“There is ... I’m sorry ... I’m so sorry.” Robert keeps saying it and then Seb sees his dad stand up and kiss Robert square on the mouth. Seb’s sure it was always meant to be this way.

He really is.

—

They go home, Robert goes back to Vic’s but Aaron hugs him so tight. Seb’s in the back of the car as they get out and stand outside Vic’s.

Aaron holds Robert’s hand, cups his face and then pulls back when the lights turn on and Bobby runs out to say hello. Bloody Bobby. Honestly.

Aaron steps back and gets back into the car to drive two seconds up the road. “Sorry your camping trip was cut short mate.”

“It’s alright.” It was worth it in the end.

—

Adults are absolutely insane. He expects Robert to be back at theirs when he comes home from his last day of school for the year.

Christmas is in three days and Robert, for some crazy reason isn’t home yet. He blames them both.

—

“Are you sure they kissed?” Isaac asks, and then Eve spins around the corner with her eyes wide.

“Who kissed who?” She’s a gossip, she’d tell the whole world if she could, but Isaac opens his gob anyway and it takes about ten minutes for his nan to know.

It’s why when he comes home, his nan is sitting on the sofa and Aaron’s shouting at her that he knows his own mind.

“There’s a _reason_ he isn’t back here.” Chas has always been a bit of a dream crusher but she’s usually a bit nicer about it. “Darling ...”

“I’m so scared.” Aaron says, lays it all out there and Seb hangs back just to see what happens next. “Mum, I’m scared of everything just ... just going _wrong_ again.”

“It won’t.” Seb steps in because his nan won’t ever tell him to go with his heart.

“Seb, you shouldn’t have to hear ...”

“Too right. You love him. He loves you. Crack on with it.” He sounds like a right idiot but so are his dads. He blames them.

“It’s a bit more complicated than that love.”

Seb rolls his eyes. “Why? Why is it more complicated? He’s been to prison for fourteen years, that’s the complicated bit. Not this. Not you and him and me. Here.”

Aaron’s crying. Of course he’s crying and then he’s smiling. He comes towards Seb and kisses his head before grabbing his jacket and walking out the door.

“What ...” He has no idea where he’s going. Chas tells him to leave him to it as she sits back and answers her phone. He can’t, he doesn’t.

He follows his dad until he sees where he’s going. Vic’s is all done up for Christmas, pretty fairy lights and fake snow on the roof Robert put up for her. He watches as his dad thumps the door down.

Robert answers, frown deep on his face. “What ... are you alright?”

“What are we doing?” Aaron blurts out and Seb feels his heart leap. “I don’t want to be away from you. I don’t ... I _can’t_ do it.”

Robert shakes his head. “You think I do? Aaron, I can see how you look at me.”

“What?” Aaron’s voice breaks.

“Like you’re scared I’ll go, break, I don’t know. Like you don’t know how to feel.”

“I do.” Aaron nods. Then he starts crying. “I was just _angry_; I was so angry Rob. But I ... won’t ever know how not to feel how I do when it comes to you, _idiot_.”

Seb almost smiles. Then he sees Robert’s face light up in a way he never has before.

“Think we’re both idiots.”

Aaron scowls playfully. “Think you’re a bigger one.” He comes closer and Seb watches the lights twinkle around them. It’s like something out of a movie.

“I’m sorry.” Robert says, maybe for the millionth time this year.

“I’m sorry too.” Aaron shrugs. “For not doing this weeks ago. I was just too scared; I was _terrified_ of things being different. I thought I’d already lost you.”

Robert’s eyes flicker. “When I said _always_. I meant always. I’m so sick of wasting time.”

“Then stop. Then just come here and ...”

Aaron’s head rolls back slightly as Robert holds the back of his neck and kisses him gently. Seb jumps. He actually jumps in the air and then looks at the way Aaron practically jumps Robert.

He hears Isaac running towards him, hands waving. “Is that your dads snogging?”

“Looks like it.” Seb says. They stop eventually, their faces must be bruised or something honestly. He watches them break apart and Isaac elbows him.

Isaac smiles. “Wasn’t a mistake then.” He hits Seb over the back of the head and legs it before he can hit him back. “Merry Christmas!” He shout as he runs away.

Seb watches them just looking at each other and then he hears what he hears.

“I love you. I love you so so much.” Robert shudders.

“I love you too. Come home?” Aaron holds Robert’s face, strokes gently and blinks. “I ain’t taking no for an answer.”

Neither is he; he walks up towards them and then hangs back until Robert nods.

“Seb.” Aaron holds at Robert’s hand. He smiles, like a proper blinding one that makes Seb feel light headed. “Me and your dad ...”

He’s sixteen, he’s basically an adult now but he sort of bursts into tears, blames Aaron completely and feels them both wrap their arms around him.

—

Christmas morning is like something he’s never experienced before. It’s like there’s a _light_ back in the house, this happiness.

His dads can’t keep their hands off each other and he’s sure that he’ll hate it soon but for now it’s the best thing in the world.

Liv looks different too, like she’s a kid again, like there’s no weight on her shoulders. “Never thought I’d see this.” She’s eating a mince pie and looking at them in these shite jumpers.

“What are they?”

“Disgusting jumpers your dad couldn’t help but keep in the back of the cupboard.” Liv looks at Seb. “Stupid tradition.”

Seb watches Aaron’s arms around Robert’s waist, the way he kisses his neck, laughs. He never thought of his dad as particularly affectionate with people. To be honest, he’s never been a people’s person. Maybe just a Robert person. Maybe.

Later, they go round Sam and Lydia’s at Wishing Well and his nan nearly falls off her chair when she sees them holding hands.

“Hard to get rid of Chas.” Robert says, he sort of has a smirk on his face and Seb’s proud. “You should know that.”

“Hey, I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks.” Aaron kisses Robert’s cheek, holds his hand under the table and then pulls a face to Seb.

“You alright mate?” Aaron ruffles his hair and Seb watches Robert looking down at whatever’s in his drink with a frown on his face.

“Yeah.” Seb says. He sees Aaron’s paper hat tilted on his head and he fixes it for him. “Don’t think you’ve ever looked this happy.”

“Believe or not, I was like this when you were a baby.” Aaron’s cheeks are rosy and Seb wonders if he’s a happy drunk with Robert as well. “And I am ... I’m so happy.” He picks up a coaster and bops it on Seb’s forehead.

—

They kiss like it’s going out of fashion, like they’re his age, like they don’t know how to breathe without doing it.

Seb should hate it, but he really really can’t.

—

“It will stay like this won’t it?” Seb’s kicking his foot against the wall outside and Robert’s got tinsel around his neck. He looks so happy. He looks like everything is about to burst out of his chest.

“Hey. Of course it will.”

Seb suddenly feels so scared. “You won’t do anything ... to get back inside will you?”

Robert frowns. “Seb, look at me.” He blinks quickly. “Nothing is going to take me away from you again. Absolutely _nothing_. I ... I promise.”

“Adults shouldn’t do that.”

Robert stands straighter. “You’re right.” He gulps. “But I ... I’m not going anywhere. I’m here for you, always.” Seb looks up and sees Aaron come out. He kisses Robert square on the mouth and laughs.

“Is there something wrong?”

“Just telling this one here that I’m not going anywhere.” Robert cups Seb’s face. “Alright.”

“You think I’d let him go?” Aaron grabs Robert tight. “This is it now Seb. Me you and your dad.”

Sam’s put an illuminated Christmas tree outside, and it hangs, goes all fuzzy and green and makes the three of them sort of glow. Seb feels this safety around him suddenly and it settles something.

“OK.” He smiles, goes to turn inside again as he leaves his dads. Aaron’s up against the wall, hands on Robert’s waist and he kisses Robert with all he has.

“This is real right? I’m not dreaming.” Robert whispers gently and Seb hangs by the door to the house, watches them in their own world.

“No.” Aaron gulps. “You’re all mine again.” He strokes a hand over Robert’s arm. “We’ll get through this.” Seb supposes that he means Robert transitioning to life outside four walls. “We will.”

Robert sniffs. “Sometimes I think I’m not the same.” He says, and Aaron puts his hand on Robert’s chest.

“You are.” Aaron smiles. “Your eyes, your hands ...” He holds them up, Seb almost laughs at how much smaller Aaron’s are in the light of a darkening sky. “You’re still you.”

Aaron has never looked softer. It’s almost scary. Isaac really thinks it is.

“And now ... now we ...”

“Go back to how it was?”

Aaron frowns. “I was going to say ... move forward. Together.” He says. “Start the next chapter.”

Seb watches them smile, laugh, kiss and he feels light. He feels like this ridiculous weight he’s always had on his shoulders, a weight he never knew existed, has disappeared.

He stares and knows with a deep understanding that they’re _his_, they’re his family and that seems to be the only that matters in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> hopefully you liked that and don’t want to kill me too much for where it’s ended. i’m hoping that by sunday afternoon i have the next chapter up or even before then. let me know what you thought, if you have the time!


End file.
